131 replies to this topic

[Astral]

Dear Doctor,

 

Today I shaved for the first time, I realized how my head looked much balder than it did before, so my friends pointed out that I am your new imposter.

 

Let me know if there is anything I can do for you,

 

~ Your Imposter (apparently)

[Catznchocolate]

Dear Dr. Craine - I have this recurring dream that I am a superhero fighting other heroes and other teams for honor.  Then when I wake up, I am a mild mannered accountant with 2 cats who tests software.  Or do I have it backwards?  Am I really a superhero who has dreams about being an accountant?

[craine]

Dear Catz,
You are niether.
You are a cat who tests software about superheroes who wake up and eat chitlins.

Yours truly,
Dr. Craine

[Catznchocolate]

Dear Dr. Craine, 

 

Halloween is coming up, and many ordinary humans will dress up as super heroes.  If super heroes wear costumes every day, what do they wear for Halloween?

[craine]

Dear Catz,

For Halloween this year superheroes will be wearing Patchouli. This pungent perfume is made from snails, motor oil and camel afterbirth. It is invariably used in parts of the world where bathing is less frequent than winning lottery numbers. It's aroma is not unlike dead fish. This is also where the popular greeting comes from. In its original form it was "Trick or trout" but through the ages became slurred into its present form.

Happy Halloween,
Dr. Craine

[Catznchocolate]

Nothing but Patchouli?

[craine]

Precisely. Scary, isn't it?

[craine]

Dear Faithful,

Please know that you are among the truly blessed. I am reminded of all of the times I have been in a crowded elevator with people just returning from their lunch break at Taco Bell.

Some borders are not worth crossing,
Dr. Craine

[craine]

Hello there, audience.

From time to time pressing issues come to the forefront of society. They not only pose serious challenges to many of us but they also threaten our very Joi de vivre. Forewarned is forearmed. That is why I am presenting this public service announcement...

Sanslokmaphobia (the fear of not having donuts) is an affliction which is growing rampant amongst today's gaming populace; and I don't mean only those who live in their mother's basement eating the Cheetos that have fallen between the sofa cushions and only bathe once threatened with a call to Home Protection Services. It could be your nephew, the girl you took to the prom, the mailman, cousin Willard, or even YOU!

This overpowering compulsion to acquire donuts is pandemic. Cases have been reported here in the U.S., across Western Europe and even as far as Persia (which incidentally became Iran in 1935 and therefore no longer exists).
The testimonials are heart wrenching. Just listen.

Edmund Boshanks in Tennessee writes: "I dun did awl I cud doo ta git me more donuts. I pawned my shawtgun an' I had to git me a seccund jawb ta pay fer my addicshun."

Gertie Rumpledrawers in London laments: "I rather don't quite know how I stumbled upon my cravings. Donuts occupy the vast majority of my waking day and all of my sleepless nights."

Allie Phive in Tehran complains: "I need donut! Donut I hame in needing. Voucher for to donut coupon not work. I try the begging and the using of the bad fourish wordings of the saying. Give me $@#*|π¶ donut!! Plez."

What can be done? This preoccupation with donuts is attacking our very fabric of society. People are losing sleep. Stock values in laxatives have skyrocketed. Sweet old ladies are cursing a blue streak that makes sailors blush.

The solution is simple.
You WANT donuts.
You do not NEED donuts.
It's just a game. A great one. Enjoy it for what it is; not for what it's not.

Yours truly,
Dr. Craine.

[frafont]

We want donuts, but some weird creature keeps stealing them. But anyway too high amount of donuts eaten = too high sugar and others in you (which is not good for heroic life).

Or maybe try to get some donut robots from outer space market

[Catznchocolate]

If donuts were easy to get, they would no longer be valuable.

[frafont]

That is why you need to beat so many evil guys to get your donut package. 

[Catznchocolate]

Dear Dr. Craine - Valentine's day is fast approaching.  Any ideas for single people besides sitting at home watching Hallmark movies and hurling chocolates at the screen?

[craine]

My dearest Catz,

You are not alone in the descending dilemma of the darkening doldrums soon approaching.

Realizing that every individual is unique and that there is in fact no common solution that works for everyone, I have found through my extensive research what is most likely the remedy which works for the vast majority of people; unless you live in Guam.

This formula predates the European Renaissance and is attributed to one Valentino Gassanova. You will need:

1 cotton handkerchief
16 ounces of chloroform
1 wheelbarrow
1 tablespoon
2 tablespoons of chicken guano
8 feet of hemp rope divided equally into 4 parts
1 red candle
A box of matches
The ability to grunt

First, find the object of your desire and place the wheelbarrow behind the target. Next soak the handkerchief with chloroform. Easy does it, A little goes a long way and there are only so many hours in the night.
Once the object of your loins is securely in the wheelbarrow, transport your guava of love to your bed. At this point it is okay to ask for help. A little white lie about needing to practice your voodoo skills is perfectly acceptable and also explains why the subject lacks clothing.
Once your lab assistant has left (without alerting the authorities), firmly but gently tie down your love puppet. Please be careful; some people bruise like a grape.
Using the tablespoon, apply a liberal amount of the chicken guano over your entertainment's closed lips. This will prevent him from crying out for help when he wakes.
Now you are ready to have fun. And if I have to explain what the hot wax and grunting is for then no human agency can help you.

Hope this helps!
Sincerely,
Dr. Craine

[Catznchocolate]

Dear Dr. Craine, I am getting a sense of Deja Vu, like I just finished this con a couple weeks ago.  What do you think?

[craine]

Dear Cats,
Chronologically and psychologically, you are correct. This con has recently passed like a seven layer burrito. However, let us view this from the sidekick's perspective. With the exception of Paul the goldfish and fellow company, the other critters need to be let out from time to time lest the frequency of carpeting accidents reach assymptotic proportions. Though less often, even a sloth needs to go every once in a while.
Metaphysically, it is dangerous to closely identify oneself with cons that keep returning in a cyclical pattern not unlike a donut. This can lead to Sanslokmaphobia which, though reduced by one standard deviation upon the bell curve is still at a pandemic state.
To sum up: you are as correct as you dare to be. Life, time and donuts are circular, just like many breakfast cereals.

Cheerio!
Dr. Craine.

[sumguy]

**Stupendously off topic:**

 

I Don Juanna miss the opportunity to thank you for sharing the highlights from your Valentine's dinner. I almost missed that last pun.

 

Sorry for posting here but I also didn't wanna risk the wrath of Faithful Aizen with an inappropriate post inside the Valentine Event thread.

 

**Blows a Valentine's kiss to Aizen**

 

Actually, perhaps this is the right place for this post after all, with all the talk about wrath, inappropriate behavior, and semi-consensual kissing.

 

Happy Valentine's Day!

[Catznchocolate]

Dear Dr. Craine,

 

My sense of Deja Vu is back.  I seems like we just finished a training con and here comes another.

 

1. Do you think this happened because I have been listening to Folsom Prison Blues?

2. Do you have any suggestions for getting rid of my sense of Deja Vu that don't involve a blow to the head?

[craine]

My dearest and horribly beleaguered Catz,

Due to the cyclical nature of Cons and the cyclical nature of the days spent by cons in Folsom Prison (which you have unfortunately channeled into your conscience through rationalization) you are seemingly experiencing Deja Vu even though the two objects, which in this case are the training cons, are in fact not identical. The point scoring is different. The time of the year each occupies is different. Though related, the cons actually hate each other; sibling rivalry there. And one con goes by the name of Frank and the other Rupert. I'm not sure which is which but that's not the point and knowing that answer won't put any more fries in your Happy Meal.

To answer your questions:

1) No. I do NOT think what you are experiencing is related in any way to you listening to Folsom Prison Blues. That would be like saying that Folsom and Wholesome are related because they rhyme (unless you use the Klingon pronunciation "Klxzpritznuckfrigdoiknowyutz". It is in fact a direct correlation to you watching Folsom Prison Blues Clues. What they did to that dog with the magnifying glass was atrocious. No wonder the poor guy is blue.

2) Things you can do (mostly when no one is looking) to rid yourself of this discomforting conundrum are as follows:

- Using your non-dominant foot, pet a pitted prune for 17 minutes during the light of the next full moon.

-Video record yourself losing a game of Parcheesi against your least favorite relative's sock puppet and email it to DrCraine@IamaYahoo.com.

-Sneeze 3 1/2 times into a 16 ounce carton of plain yogurt and feed it to your neighbor's dog; the one that craps in your yard. (The dog. Not your neighbor.)

-Find out what happened to my hair, recover and mail it to
Folsom Prison
Solitary confinement cell #5
300 Prison Rd
Represa, CA
95671

-Adopt a radish as your life coach and complete the twelve step recovery program for tubers and then perform an interpretive dance duet with a wooden yardstick.


You need only to do one of these unless your kindergarten teacher's mother's maiden name did not end in a Q. Otherwise you are screwed and must complete all five during one commercial break during an episode of Game of Thrones. If you are unfamiliar with this show it is HBO's largest grossing endeavor. A reality show about a group of people playing musical chairs on toilets to the music of Andy Williams.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you require my services further.

Laughing in the corner of my padded cell,
Dr. Craine.