131 replies to this topic

[craine]

Dear Catz,
This form of ablutophobia which you are experiencing is very rare. It occurs in one out of every 703,455 1/2 bipeds and in all felines.

Wiping the shampoo bottle with an acetone-laden rag will solve this. Or you could place duct tape over your eyes before showering. This way the label will not confound you and you will never have to wash your eyebrows again.

Your bathing life coach,
Dr. Craine.

[will10]

Dear Dr. Craine,

 

2 part question:

1) If you could be any animal what would you choose?

2) Why did you pick a duck?

 

Thanks,

Will10

[craine]

Dear Will,
Here is my 2 part answer.

What is a duck?

What is, because I am a QUACK!, I mean, I am someone who likes to shake my package when I walk.

Animals I have never eaten for $400, please ...

[Astral]

dear dr craine, I am currently sick in bed with an extremely sore throat and a stuffed nose. barely have the energy to type this message while my eyes are open as wide as a sloth's mid crisis. please tell me what can I do to feel better.

[craine]

Dear Ezreal,
Sorry to hear of your distress. Here is my prescription:

Drink one gallon of hot cider vinegar.
Place seven cotton balls in each nostril.
Stand on your head and recite the preamble to the U.S. Constitution in Hindi.

Then remove the cotton balls and lie in bed for a month. You will feel right as rain.

Oh, and avoid public toilet seats.

Hope this helps,
Dr. Craine.

[will10]

Dear Dr. Craine,

 

Where do babies come from?

 

Kind regards,

Will10

[craine]

Dear confused Will,
I would have thought that by now you would have learned this lesson. Upon further consideration I suspect that there may be others who are also ignorant of this. Now, I want you to sit before reading any further; this may come as a shock.

Do you remember stories of little kid "so and so" who suddenly stopped going to high school? People would often remark that she had an "accident". Perhaps you remember your parents warning you of the consequences of accidents.

Well, when you have an "accident" and you try to hide it by throwing your dirty undies in the hamper without washing them bad things happen! This is PRECISELY where babies come from. They reproduce through fission just like all bacteria. It doesn't happen every time, but it always happens when you don't expect it.

So wash those tighty-whiteys! Disinfect those Y-fronts! Scrub those boxers! If not, you may get far more than you bargained for.

Respectfully your life coach,
Dr. Craine.

[will10]

Thank you Dr. Craine,

 

Some follow up questions.  Based on your answer do superheros wear their underwear outside of their pants to avoid accidents?  Also would I be safer to simply stop wearing underwear so there's no medium for reproduction?

 

Thank you,

Will10

[craine]

Dear Will,

Superheroes sometimes wear their underwear on the outside, but this is not to prevent accidents. It's because they are exhibitionists. To prevent accidents they use a cork and duct tape.

If avoiding soiled undergarments is your goal, you may elect to abstain from eating or abstain from wearing clothing. Unless you are a resident of California, you may get arrested. This may seem odd at first but just look at chickens. Apart from a few YouTube videos of them wearing pants, they usually go about their business unclothed as they strut their stuff. You may get some peculiar glances in your direction but this doesn't mean that people are disgusted. They could be stifling a hiccup, sneezing in Yiddish or merely exercising their optical nerves.

Glad to help and don't forget to post some videos so that we can all see your progress. I'll be making popcorn.

Sincerely,
Dr. Craine

Edited by craine, 13 September 2019 - 08:37 PM.

[spunone]

Dear Dr. Craine,

 

           my first question for you is, why does the hideout seem to incorporate the age old question "why do hot dogs come in packages of 10 while buns come in packages of 8"? they have allowed us to build 5 generators which allows for ten rooms to be boosted. however we are currently only given 9 rooms that benefit from boosting. rather frustrating as i cant fully utilize my hero hideout due to this s.n.a.f.u.  please help me understand this conundrum.

 

         my second question is, why does my everlasting gob stopper always run out? i cant for the life of me figure this out. please help!!!!

Edited by spunone, 15 September 2019 - 12:49 AM.

[craine]

Dear Spunone,
While it seems as though the Bakers Union and the Pork Byproducts Coalition are cozy bedfellows joined at the hip, this is not the case with Playata and Playpenyata (the manufacturer of the hero hideouts). In the not too distant future a new hideout room will be released thereby rounding out the number of boostable rooms to ten.
The new room will be the "Plastic Surgery and Bait and Tackle Shop". With this new addition you will be able to customize your hero's look in any way you can imagine; Ricardo Montalban with dreadlocks, Warren Buffet sporting a mohawk, Rosie O'Donnell with a gallon jar of Nutella in a headlock, etc.

As for your second question; you're EVERLASTing gobstopper runs out because it is supposed to. You are not alone in this. This is clearly a misnomer on the manufacturer's part. Their name does not mean that they will never run out. There is a company that manufactures boxing equipment. It's name is EVERLAST; and guess what goes inside of punching bags...

Glad to help and eat all of your vegetables,
Dr. Craine

[Amuk]

Dear Doctor Craine

 

I am retired and my wife Amuksangel will retire in a few months, we have , of course taken the proper preperations for retirement, such as training a pack of squirrels to attack any neighborhood children that get too close and of course have spread sweet pickle relish over all the windows for.......well....you know. We plan to hide in the closet and have our two cats stand in for us in all legal and public issues although the male still cannot tell the difference between Whisky and Burbon and has horrible taste in Cigars so it might take more work before he can fool THEM. Our children say they are concerned about us but we know they are being mind controlled by the big pig corporations to try and steal our pulled pork recipe and use it to rule the world. Angel is afraid that flying monkeys are on to us, but I assured her that if we don't know what we are doing they wont either.

 

So having filled you in on all the necessary background you need my question is

 

which wine pairs best with Spam?

[craine]

Dear Amuk,

In her best-selling book A Guide To Bitter Living, Martha Stewart recommends complimenting Spam with either Ripple or Mad Dog 20/20.

Hope this helps,
Dr. Craine

[Astral]

Dear Doctor Craine,

 

All of you, all of me (intertwined)
I once believed love would be (black and white)
But it's golden (golden)
And I can still see it all (in my head)
Back and forth from New York 
I once believed love would be (burnin' red)
But it's golden
Like daylight

 

Not sure if you're a love doctor as well. Gonna ask anyaways. Those lyrics are from a new Taylor Swift song, what do you think she is trying to signal to us? 

[craine]

Dear Ezreal,

This is Taylor's poor attempt to "cleverly" insert her bizarre nightmare into our heads. This is the one in which Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder are playing Twister with the Golden Girls. At one point Paul and Bea Arthur both tried to place their hands on the same red dot. Paul was hopeful but Bea got cold feet and nudged poor Paul. This in turn startled Stevie, who sneezed, and his foot shifted from Green to yellow which gave the match to the Golden Girls. Betty White called a cab and the girls left, leaving Paul and Stevie to wonder why they made the trip to New York in the first place.

Problem solved!

At your service,
Dr. Craine

[Astral]

Dear Ezreal,

This is Taylor's poor attempt to "cleverly" insert her bizarre nightmare into our heads. This is the one in which Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder are playing Twister with the Golden Girls. At one point Paul and Bea Arthur both tried to place their hands on the same red dot. Paul was hopeful but Bea got cold feet and nudged poor Paul. This in turn startled Stevie, who sneezed, and his foot shifted from Green to yellow which gave the match to the Golden Girls. Betty White called a cab and the girls left, leaving Paul and Stevie to wonder why they made the trip to New York in the first place.

Problem solved!

At your service,
Dr. Craine

 

 

It is so ironic because she is collaborating with someone named stella McCartney to make clothes.... And they both live in NewYork. I hate how accurate you are. 10/10 stars. I can't believe this doctor's accuracy. Highly suggested. Most helpful of all.

[Astral]

Additional question to the one above - WHY ARE DUMBBELL TROPHIES SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN EVERY OTHER TROPHY? LIKE I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT BUT THEY ARE SO ADDICTING AND SATISFYING TO LOOK AT 0.0

[craine]

Dear Ezreal,

As we all know beauty is in the eye of the beholder. As such I can only give you my interpretation of what I experience whenever I look at these trophies.

Gazing upon dumbbell trophies is quite similar to seeing my reflection in a mirror. The weights depict my prominent ears and there is precious little between them. The various colors are indicative of my varying moods;
Blue = Sadness due to my receding hairline
Green = Nausea from the entire can of refried beans I ate at lunch
Yellow = Constant, nagging fear wondering if my cat stole my car keys and is out joyriding
Red = My feelings for Julia Louis Dreuyfus which I will not mention in detail because this is a family show

Your interpretations may vary. What is important is to recognize and not be ashamed of your feelings. Contemplating the inner dumbbell in each of us is the first step to actualizing the ultimate dumbbell that we can become.


Thanks for your question,
Dr. Dumbbell

[Catznchocolate]

Dear Dr. Craine, 

 

You are so helpful for all of us, but who do you write to when you have a question?

[craine]

Dear Catz,

Thank you for your excellent question.  I will only reveal this because I seriously doubt that anyone else can steal my trade secret and use it for their own gain.

I keep a cutting edge team on permanent retainer in the event that I need to discuss, explore and/or expectorate my feelings, thoughts and/or I really don't have a third item here; I just wanted to use "and/or" twice in the same sentence.

My team consists of Amanda Huggenkiss, Oliver Kloseoff and Marty McFlushwhenfloating.  All three are there for me, day or night anytime they are needed.  They have no choice in the matter because they are my pet goldfishes.

Their advice is utter crap so I write it down upon a fogged mirror in Hebrew, upside down (the Hebrew, not me) while reciting the Fibonacci number sequence. I then set the fish bowl on a pedestal so that they can view their gibberish. This is calming to me because in that moment I realize that I am NOT a goldfish who cannot leave the water when I need to use the bathroom and that my problems are insignificant to theirs.

Thanks for your inquiry,
Dr. Craine