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ASK DR. CRAINE !


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#81 craine

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Posted 23 February 2020 - 07:48 PM

My dearest and horribly beleaguered Catz,

Due to the cyclical nature of Cons and the cyclical nature of the days spent by cons in Folsom Prison (which you have unfortunately channeled into your conscience through rationalization) you are seemingly experiencing Deja Vu even though the two objects, which in this case are the training cons, are in fact not identical. The point scoring is different. The time of the year each occupies is different. Though related, the cons actually hate each other; sibling rivalry there. And one con goes by the name of Frank and the other Rupert. I'm not sure which is which but that's not the point and knowing that answer won't put any more fries in your Happy Meal.

To answer your questions:

1) No. I do NOT think what you are experiencing is related in any way to you listening to Folsom Prison Blues. That would be like saying that Folsom and Wholesome are related because they rhyme (unless you use the Klingon pronunciation "Klxzpritznuckfrigdoiknowyutz". It is in fact a direct correlation to you watching Folsom Prison Blues Clues. What they did to that dog with the magnifying glass was atrocious. No wonder the poor guy is blue.

2) Things you can do (mostly when no one is looking) to rid yourself of this discomforting conundrum are as follows:

- Using your non-dominant foot, pet a pitted prune for 17 minutes during the light of the next full moon.

-Video record yourself losing a game of Parcheesi against your least favorite relative's sock puppet and email it to DrCraine@IamaYahoo.com.

-Sneeze 3 1/2 times into a 16 ounce carton of plain yogurt and feed it to your neighbor's dog; the one that craps in your yard. (The dog. Not your neighbor.)

-Find out what happened to my hair, recover and mail it to
Folsom Prison
Solitary confinement cell #5
300 Prison Rd
Represa, CA
95671

-Adopt a radish as your life coach and complete the twelve step recovery program for tubers and then perform an interpretive dance duet with a wooden yardstick.


You need only to do one of these unless your kindergarten teacher's mother's maiden name did not end in a Q. Otherwise you are screwed and must complete all five during one commercial break during an episode of Game of Thrones. If you are unfamiliar with this show it is HBO's largest grossing endeavor. A reality show about a group of people playing musical chairs on toilets to the music of Andy Williams.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you require my services further.

Laughing in the corner of my padded cell,
Dr. Craine.
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#82 Astral

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Posted 23 February 2020 - 11:40 PM

Hello,  Dr Craine,

 

I need some love advice from you, Catz reccomended me to bring this matter to you since you are certified.

 

I would like to know, what is some dating advice you have? Any tips? 

Any tricks? Anything to avoid? 

 

- Astral


(lol)~Astral is amazing~ (lol)

(inlove) (heart) (inlove)

(smug) ~ Taylor's Biggest Fan ~ (smug)


#83 craine

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Posted 24 February 2020 - 12:32 AM

My inquisitive compatriot Astral,

Love is without a doubt the most noble of pursuits. It is important to note that love, not unlike Play-Doh can take many forms. Deciding on which form is important before embarking upon your trek for tenderness.

With only one exception, which I shall not name because this is a family show, you must always look for a pulse. If the object is a human it can most easily be found at the wrist or carotid artery. There are other places but you may get slapped.
While most experts agree that finding things that you have in common are important (and they are) you want to focus on the positive aspects which you have in common. An affectation for watching romance comedies is an excellent choice. Sporting leftover traces of broccoli between your teeth is probably not worth while commonality.

As for tricks? Well, without the covert use of barbiturates, I can't think of a damn thing. Just be yourself. I always believed that there was someone for everyone. Then I encountered my highschool gym coach.

Things to focus on:
Humor, courteousness, personal hygiene, respect, tight fitting jeans, and my personal favorite A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T WEAR MAKEUP AND IS PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE WITHOUT IT.

Things to avoid:
Cell phone use on dates, anyone who suddenly ducks under a table and asks "Has my parole officer left yet?", anyone who brings her father along with her on dates, and any woman whose tattoo has an umlaut in it.

Love is different for everyone. Look for someone who seeks the same kind of love as you. Talk, talk, talk. Communication is Paramount. No woman wants a tough guy. Express yourself with words. It's also the fastest way to tell if you're on the right path or if you need to look elsewhere. Just stay away from Cleveland.

Happy hunting,
Dr. Craine.
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#84 Astral

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Posted 24 February 2020 - 02:06 AM

Hello,

 

Thank you Dr.Craine, 

 

your advice has already come of large use. 

 

But may I question the -- anyone who suddenly ducks under a table and asks "Has my parole officer left yet?" -- Part of things to avoid? Is that out of personal experience? 

 

- Astral


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#85 craine

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Posted 24 February 2020 - 11:42 AM

Dear Astral,
No. It was not. And it did not happen on 2/19/91 at an Italian restaurant that serves those garlic rolls that are served warm and renders your breath sufficient to drill for oil.
It ...uhm, happened to a friend of mine. Yes. And uhm, he may or may not have looked a bit like me only with a full head of hair. But I absolutely confirm or deny nothing either in the past, present or future tense concerning this matter.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to visit MY psychiatrist.
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#86 sumguy

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Posted 26 February 2020 - 03:19 PM

Dear Dr. Craine,

 

I consumed your recent advice with great relish and two Tbsp of catsup. I look forward to implementing said advice after crossing state lines under cover of darkness. But first I need clarification on two points:

 

 

...

With only one exception, which I shall not name because this is a family show, you must always look for a pulse. If the object is a human it can most easily be found at the wrist or carotid artery. There are other places but you may get slapped.

...

 

First, after having determined the absence of a pulse, does this attribute identify someone to pursue or to avoid? I was not entirely sure so it seemed best to ask.

 

If this is someone I should pursue, and after I receive the above-mentioned slap, then the second question would be, can you recommend a restaurant that's not too far from the state line, and has brains on the menu?

 

I await your response with breathless anticipation (quite literally, if you catch my meaning.) I can hardly wait to begin the search for a girl after my own heart … and spleen … and liver ...


Edited by sumguy, 26 February 2020 - 03:32 PM.

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#87 craine

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Posted 26 February 2020 - 07:41 PM

My dear fellow wordsmith,

If you have Indeed determined that your potential loin puppet is devoid of a pulse and you fancy the notion of dating a "cool" woman then you may have hit pay dirt. (I'm soooo clever; see what I did there?)
The slapping is perfectly fine as long as it is consensual.

I'm not sure which states you are considering. Confusion? Disphoria? Agitation?
I am therefore answering in terms of states in the U.S. Nearly all of these lie within the Deep South.

Clem's Bait, Tackle and Headcheese Emporium.

Mortimer's Funeral Home Bistro

Breezy and Beauregard's Bacon, Brisket and Brains Pitstop

The meatloaf served at Crazy-Ass Jane's

Spam at any diner

CAUTION-CAUTION- CAUTION
When engaged in necking and/or heavy petting, do be careful of any bolt heads protruding from the neck; they are there for a reason.

Happy hunting,
Dr. Craine.
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