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#81 craine

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Posted 23 February 2020 - 07:48 PM

My dearest and horribly beleaguered Catz,

Due to the cyclical nature of Cons and the cyclical nature of the days spent by cons in Folsom Prison (which you have unfortunately channeled into your conscience through rationalization) you are seemingly experiencing Deja Vu even though the two objects, which in this case are the training cons, are in fact not identical. The point scoring is different. The time of the year each occupies is different. Though related, the cons actually hate each other; sibling rivalry there. And one con goes by the name of Frank and the other Rupert. I'm not sure which is which but that's not the point and knowing that answer won't put any more fries in your Happy Meal.

To answer your questions:

1) No. I do NOT think what you are experiencing is related in any way to you listening to Folsom Prison Blues. That would be like saying that Folsom and Wholesome are related because they rhyme (unless you use the Klingon pronunciation "Klxzpritznuckfrigdoiknowyutz". It is in fact a direct correlation to you watching Folsom Prison Blues Clues. What they did to that dog with the magnifying glass was atrocious. No wonder the poor guy is blue.

2) Things you can do (mostly when no one is looking) to rid yourself of this discomforting conundrum are as follows:

- Using your non-dominant foot, pet a pitted prune for 17 minutes during the light of the next full moon.

-Video record yourself losing a game of Parcheesi against your least favorite relative's sock puppet and email it to DrCraine@IamaYahoo.com.

-Sneeze 3 1/2 times into a 16 ounce carton of plain yogurt and feed it to your neighbor's dog; the one that craps in your yard. (The dog. Not your neighbor.)

-Find out what happened to my hair, recover and mail it to
Folsom Prison
Solitary confinement cell #5
300 Prison Rd
Represa, CA
95671

-Adopt a radish as your life coach and complete the twelve step recovery program for tubers and then perform an interpretive dance duet with a wooden yardstick.


You need only to do one of these unless your kindergarten teacher's mother's maiden name did not end in a Q. Otherwise you are screwed and must complete all five during one commercial break during an episode of Game of Thrones. If you are unfamiliar with this show it is HBO's largest grossing endeavor. A reality show about a group of people playing musical chairs on toilets to the music of Andy Williams.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you require my services further.

Laughing in the corner of my padded cell,
Dr. Craine.
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#82 Astral

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Posted 23 February 2020 - 11:40 PM

Hello,  Dr Craine,

 

I need some love advice from you, Catz reccomended me to bring this matter to you since you are certified.

 

I would like to know, what is some dating advice you have? Any tips? 

Any tricks? Anything to avoid? 

 

- Astral


(lol)~Astral is amazing~ (lol)

(inlove) (heart) (inlove)

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#83 craine

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Posted 24 February 2020 - 12:32 AM

My inquisitive compatriot Astral,

Love is without a doubt the most noble of pursuits. It is important to note that love, not unlike Play-Doh can take many forms. Deciding on which form is important before embarking upon your trek for tenderness.

With only one exception, which I shall not name because this is a family show, you must always look for a pulse. If the object is a human it can most easily be found at the wrist or carotid artery. There are other places but you may get slapped.
While most experts agree that finding things that you have in common are important (and they are) you want to focus on the positive aspects which you have in common. An affectation for watching romance comedies is an excellent choice. Sporting leftover traces of broccoli between your teeth is probably not worth while commonality.

As for tricks? Well, without the covert use of barbiturates, I can't think of a damn thing. Just be yourself. I always believed that there was someone for everyone. Then I encountered my highschool gym coach.

Things to focus on:
Humor, courteousness, personal hygiene, respect, tight fitting jeans, and my personal favorite A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T WEAR MAKEUP AND IS PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE WITHOUT IT.

Things to avoid:
Cell phone use on dates, anyone who suddenly ducks under a table and asks "Has my parole officer left yet?", anyone who brings her father along with her on dates, and any woman whose tattoo has an umlaut in it.

Love is different for everyone. Look for someone who seeks the same kind of love as you. Talk, talk, talk. Communication is Paramount. No woman wants a tough guy. Express yourself with words. It's also the fastest way to tell if you're on the right path or if you need to look elsewhere. Just stay away from Cleveland.

Happy hunting,
Dr. Craine.
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#84 Astral

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Posted 24 February 2020 - 02:06 AM

Hello,

 

Thank you Dr.Craine, 

 

your advice has already come of large use. 

 

But may I question the -- anyone who suddenly ducks under a table and asks "Has my parole officer left yet?" -- Part of things to avoid? Is that out of personal experience? 

 

- Astral


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#85 craine

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Posted 24 February 2020 - 11:42 AM

Dear Astral,
No. It was not. And it did not happen on 2/19/91 at an Italian restaurant that serves those garlic rolls that are served warm and renders your breath sufficient to drill for oil.
It ...uhm, happened to a friend of mine. Yes. And uhm, he may or may not have looked a bit like me only with a full head of hair. But I absolutely confirm or deny nothing either in the past, present or future tense concerning this matter.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to visit MY psychiatrist.
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#86 sumguy

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Posted 26 February 2020 - 03:19 PM

Dear Dr. Craine,

 

I consumed your recent advice with great relish and two Tbsp of catsup. I look forward to implementing said advice after crossing state lines under cover of darkness. But first I need clarification on two points:

 

 

...

With only one exception, which I shall not name because this is a family show, you must always look for a pulse. If the object is a human it can most easily be found at the wrist or carotid artery. There are other places but you may get slapped.

...

 

First, after having determined the absence of a pulse, does this attribute identify someone to pursue or to avoid? I was not entirely sure so it seemed best to ask.

 

If this is someone I should pursue, and after I receive the above-mentioned slap, then the second question would be, can you recommend a restaurant that's not too far from the state line, and has brains on the menu?

 

I await your response with breathless anticipation (quite literally, if you catch my meaning.) I can hardly wait to begin the search for a girl after my own heart … and spleen … and liver ...


Edited by sumguy, 26 February 2020 - 03:32 PM.

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#87 craine

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Posted 26 February 2020 - 07:41 PM

My dear fellow wordsmith,

If you have Indeed determined that your potential loin puppet is devoid of a pulse and you fancy the notion of dating a "cool" woman then you may have hit pay dirt. (I'm soooo clever; see what I did there?)
The slapping is perfectly fine as long as it is consensual.

I'm not sure which states you are considering. Confusion? Disphoria? Agitation?
I am therefore answering in terms of states in the U.S. Nearly all of these lie within the Deep South.

Clem's Bait, Tackle and Headcheese Emporium.

Mortimer's Funeral Home Bistro

Breezy and Beauregard's Bacon, Brisket and Brains Pitstop

The meatloaf served at Crazy-Ass Jane's

Spam at any diner

CAUTION-CAUTION- CAUTION
When engaged in necking and/or heavy petting, do be careful of any bolt heads protruding from the neck; they are there for a reason.

Happy hunting,
Dr. Craine.
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#88 craine

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Posted 23 March 2020 - 05:37 PM

Because we all live in various time zones:
Good morning, afternoon, evening, second breakfast, etc.,etc.

The governor of the state in which I reside (for anyone curious it is Confusion), has mandated that as of noon tomorrow all non-essential businesses must close until further notice. This means three things:

1) The governor is doing his best to protect his people in what I feel is a wise decision.
2) Dr. Craine is really bored.
3) All of you will suffer as a result.



!!!!EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!!!!
(I love that chicken)

Dr. Craine's Laws for battling the Coronavirus, Greed, Fear, Misinformation and Low Birth Weight:

• Maintain a 6' distance from others at all times. If you are closer than that when playing this game, shame on you. (I have trained my cat to take dictation for me, thus I am innocent)
• Do not hoard necessary items. Food, soap and especially toilet paper. If you find that your neighbor has done this then I have now made it legal to break into their place of residence and wipe with their hand. (You may ignore the 6' rule in this case). If YOU are hoarding, expect a visit from your neighbor.
• All communal surfaces are to sanitized immediately. This is to be done with a solution of 4 parts water to 1 part skunk piss. You must then set the surface on fire.
• Do not flush any items other than toilet paper. You may need a ladle. (A bucket wouldn't hurt either).
• No farting. We don't know the full extent of this virus's capabilities. Best to be prudent.
• When washing any part of your skin use sufficient friction. Stop when you smell smoke.
• Do not purchase Corona beer. We have no idea where this thing came from.

If anyone in our audience has any more helpful tips please post them here!

Stay safe everyone,
Dr. Craine



#89 Catznchocolate

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Posted 24 March 2020 - 03:12 AM

I did not know about the extra toilet paper in my basement.  I some extra to my coworker for helping set up my home office.  Alas, it was not possible to stay 6 feet apart while putting together the some assembly required chair.

 

Dear Dr. Craine, my cat refuses to stay 6 feet away from me.  What do I do.  Also, do I need to stay 6 feet away from my wall in case my neighbors choose to press their noses against their side of the wall?

 

Finally, do you know how much longer these restrictions will last?


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#90 craine

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Posted 24 March 2020 - 10:43 AM

Dear Catz,

Since you were unaware of the extra toilet paper you were not hoarding it. For the neighborly act of giving away some of the tissue in question you receive your Craine Scouts merit badge of "Compassion and Not Sucking In General".

Since you were naughty and ignored the 6' rule during the assembly of the chair, you must now place a 12' tape measure on the ground and stand at one end with your neighbor at the other for the EXACT amount of time that it took to set up the chair.

As for your cat, quadrupeds are exempt from these restrictions. Mainly because cats do whatever they want. Give your cat a long scratch under the chin for me.

You must remain 6' away from your neighbors; load bearing wall or not. Here's a tip. Drill a small hole in your side of the wall. Using a turkey baster, squirt 2.7 ounces of patchouli in the space between the wall. Next seal the hole with ear wax; your cat may assist you.

To answer your final question; these restrictions will most likely last until a vaccine has been found and is mass produced and distributed. Craine Laboratories is working around the clock in this endeavor. I purchased, via online, Ben and Jerry's Home Alchemy Kit. My cat and I are trading shifts. All attempts at this point have resulted in failure. So far we have produced cold cream, espresso, Silly Putty, dandruff and triple fudge ripple.

Hope this helps,
Dr. Craine
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#91 SayOw

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Posted 24 March 2020 - 05:37 PM

Hey Doc ...

 

I not only purchased Corona beer, I have been consuming copious amounts of it as I have been "working" at home the past week.

Sorry if I am part of the problem, but I really do enjoy Corona beer.

 

Godspeed everyone.


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#92 Catznchocolate

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Posted 24 March 2020 - 05:56 PM

Dear Dr. Craine (I hope it is OK to ask a non-related question.  If not, just answer the essential questions only and you can get to this one in May).

 

A year and a half ago, I was talking to one of my neighbors and got kind of a creepy vibe.  So I asked one of the board members about him, and she went silent but asked me to Google him.  I said I did not know his name to Google him.  Surprisingly, she was very quick to give me his full name.  

 

Well it turns out he is a registered sex offender.  I am not so worried about this because I have not seen him since and he may have moved away.  However, ever since the one time I Googled that man, every time I turn on the computer I get spammed by messages telling me I need to see his full report.  What to do?

 

Thank you for keeping up your column and keeping our spirits up during these uncertain times.


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#93 craine

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Posted 24 March 2020 - 06:44 PM

Dear Catz,
This is serious stuff, therefore I will in turn be serious.
Let's first look at everything you have told me, in chronological order.
You were engaged in what I am assuming was a normal conversation with one of your male neighbors. During the course of this conversation he projected certain warning signs, most likely through nonverbal communication and those signals were at odds with his part of the verbal communication. Your brain perceived this and placed you on alert. This is a very good thing. Had this not happened it could have left you vulnerable to reveal unintended information. Your instincts served you very well indeed.
Now to the creepy part. That predator was almost certainly observing your nonverbal communication. It's what predators do. They invest a great deal of time doing it.
Next we have your female neighbor. She confirmed your suspicion that something was not quite normal. She quickly supplied you with the information to research him on line. "Quickly" is an important word in this instance. This means that she already knew of him and his past. She was able to recall that information quickly because it hangs in the periphery of her consciousness, ready for retrieval as soon as it is wanted.
It is also important to note that she did not tell you herself what the situation was. She wanted you to find it yourself. Most likely she did not want to be overheard. She wanted to warn you but also didn't want to get involved. It is fair to assume that she had a very similar experience with him as well. An indignant or outraged woman would have been all to ready to lay it out for you. This kind of person would have no problems going toe-to-toe with the offender. Instead she was cautious. And for good reason. She had a fear of him.
I'm glad that you have not seen him in a year and a half. It is not uncommon for sex offenders to move often. This is the information age. Things come out into the light eventually. If he relocated due to discomfort then this is wonderful. It means that the registry is doing exactly what it needs to. Guarding others to reduce the chances of him hurting another.
It seems safe to assume that you are not going to be bothered by him again.
As for the computer notifications; have you tried clearing your browser's search history? Perhaps the cookies file? I'm not very computer savvy; my apologies.

Finally, to you and anyone else reading this, male or female; YOU matter. There is only one of you in this world. No one has the right to make you a victim. Trust your instincts. If you have alarms going off in your head when dealing with someone you can always leave the situation. You will not be rude, you will be safe. If you can't leave call for help. If you can't call for help then stall. If you are under direct threat try to keep more than arm's distance. Finally, if it gets physical then go for the throat every time. Not the groin. Not the eyes. The throat. It is soft. It houses the windpipe, esophagus and both carotid arteries. An opponent who can't breathe is an opponent who can't fight. It takes surprisingly little force on the Adam's apple to cause an involuntary choking fit. Then run! You can alert the police AFTER you are safe.

I'm glad that things went as harmlessly as they did.

Respectfully,
Dr. Craine
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#94 Catznchocolate

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Posted 26 March 2020 - 05:52 PM

Dear Dr. Craine, our county is now on lockdown, people should leave for essential activities only, etc., etc.  Yesterday from my window I saw several people walking around like this order had never been issued.  I suspect they are not washing their hand either.  Can I wash my hands even more to make up for the lack of hand washing by others?



#95 craine

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Posted 26 March 2020 - 06:05 PM

Dear Catz,

No, you cannot offset the lack of hand washing of another by increasing your own. This is called Transference. Your mind may think that it will work but quantum scientists would snigger at your attempts.
What WILL offset their negligence would be to tell out the window, "Hey! I bet you two can't pick the handle of that grocery cart someone left at the corner!"
This brings Darwinism into play. Many have received the Darwin Award; posthumously of course...

Your servant, (without a sock)
Dob, I mean Dr. Craine

#96 craine

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Posted 26 March 2020 - 06:39 PM

*yell
*lick

Apparently my auto-correct is afflicted by a virus.
Grab the toilet paper!!

#97 Catznchocolate

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Posted 28 March 2020 - 05:30 PM

Dear Dr. Craine, 

 

I just watched an interesting video on how to sterilize all the food I bring into my house.  My question is this:  If I don't already have sterilizer in my house, how do I find some?  And how do I sterilize the package of sterilizer before bringing it into my home?



#98 craine

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Posted 28 March 2020 - 05:45 PM

Dear Catz,
You can make your own sanitizer using household bleach and water. I don't recall the actual ratio off the top of my head.
You have in fact hit upon the Crux of the matter. The outside of the container is not sterile. The bucket is not sterile. The rag or sponge is not sterile. My nextdoor neighbor is not sterile, even though he should be.
You could mix the solution and then wipe the outside of the container. You could Don dish gloves, though they are not sterile either.
One can wipe every surface and "sterilize" it. But the question remains, "How do you test it to know for sure?".

Responding with answers specifically designed to keep you awake at night,
Dr. Craine
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