Jump to content


Photo

ASK DR. CRAINE !


  • Please log in to reply
69 replies to this topic

#1 craine

craine

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 21 posts
  • LocationMassachusetts, USA
  • Team:Riff Raff
  • World:US3
  • Character:Advisor, News correspondent
Reputation: 99

Posted 01 September 2019 - 07:14 PM

I am Dr. craine. Do you feel as though pigeons speak to you as you feed them breadcrumbs? Do you stay awake at night wondering if that lost sock may not have been eaten by the dryer and is hiding under your bed waiting for you to drop your guard as you sleep? Are you so preoccupied with the question, "Why are there no blue foods?", that you are experiencing trouble with such simple tasks as yodeling into a tin can?
I am here to help you.  Though not a psychologist, I do play one on TV.  Well, I would if I could just break into the industry.   Armed with a PhD in BS and using my Captain Crunch decoder ring in conjunction with dietary labels of pork byproducts, there is no question that I cannot unravel.
So don't be shy.  Place your questions, your riddles of life and your mind constipating conundrums upon my shoulders.  Today could be the first day of true enlightenment!  Or not.
  • FaithfulAizen, NewDay, EzrealStorm and 2 others like this

#2 NewDay

NewDay

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 75 posts
  • LocationOntario, Canada
  • Team:Riff Raff
  • World:US3
  • Character:NewDay
Reputation: 66

Posted 01 September 2019 - 08:30 PM

(( ?


  • craine likes this

#3 craine

craine

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 21 posts
  • LocationMassachusetts, USA
  • Team:Riff Raff
  • World:US3
  • Character:Advisor, News correspondent
Reputation: 99

Posted 01 September 2019 - 08:45 PM

With the use of my decoder ring and a can of Spam I have deduced your question.
While listening to someone's back side is not against the laws of society, it is most important to listen to your own first. This can give you a baseline as well as approximately 37 minutes of amusement.
May I suggest reducing your intake of hard fibers? This would include whole grain rice, granola and shag carpeting.
Just to clear the air, you are not alone in this. This includes Betty Jo Byarski at 123 Dulcolax avenue in Spokane, Washington (whom I will not mention).
I encourage you to become one with your backside. This in turn will make you much more receptive to the backsides of others.
I hope this helps.
Best of luck!
  • NewDay, EzrealStorm and Always like this

#4 Catznchocolate

Catznchocolate

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 31 posts
  • Team:Riff Raff
  • World:US3
  • Character:Catznchocolate
Reputation: 81

Posted 01 September 2019 - 08:48 PM

Dear Dr. Craine - Due to my busy schedule I occasionally do not use all my energy for the day.  My cooler holds 50 units of energy and  sometimes I redeem this energy with donuts.  However, where does the excess energy go if my cooler is full?  I am hoping it goes to some noble purpose and is not subverted by Yoyodyne.


  • craine, meljer and Always like this

#5 meljer

meljer

    Advanced Member

  • Moderators
  • 106 posts
  • Team:Valorous Vagrants!
  • World:US3
  • Character:meljer (operationredwings)
Reputation: 103

Posted 01 September 2019 - 08:51 PM

Dr. Craine, there is blue berries,blue lobsters, as well as some other blue foods.
 
 /$$      /$$           /$$                        
| $$$    /$$$          | $$                        
| $$$$  /$$$$  /$$$$$$ | $$ /$$  /$$$$$$   /$$$$$$ 
| $$ $$/$$ $$ /$$__  $$| $$|__/ /$$__  $$ /$$__  $$
| $$  $$$| $$| $$$$$$$$| $$ /$$| $$$$$$$$| $$  \__/
| $$\  $ | $$| $$_____/| $$| $$| $$_____/| $$      
| $$ \/  | $$|  $$$$$$$| $$| $$|  $$$$$$$| $$      
|__/     |__/ \_______/|__/| $$ \_______/|__/      
                      /$$  | $$                    
                     |  $$$$$$/                    
                      \______/                     
 

 
 

#6 meljer

meljer

    Advanced Member

  • Moderators
  • 106 posts
  • Team:Valorous Vagrants!
  • World:US3
  • Character:meljer (operationredwings)
Reputation: 103

Posted 01 September 2019 - 08:53 PM

Dr. Craine,

I have attempted to quit this game on multiple occasions weither for family reasons or all the drama, I was wondering what keeps you going?
  • craine likes this
 
 /$$      /$$           /$$                        
| $$$    /$$$          | $$                        
| $$$$  /$$$$  /$$$$$$ | $$ /$$  /$$$$$$   /$$$$$$ 
| $$ $$/$$ $$ /$$__  $$| $$|__/ /$$__  $$ /$$__  $$
| $$  $$$| $$| $$$$$$$$| $$ /$$| $$$$$$$$| $$  \__/
| $$\  $ | $$| $$_____/| $$| $$| $$_____/| $$      
| $$ \/  | $$|  $$$$$$$| $$| $$|  $$$$$$$| $$      
|__/     |__/ \_______/|__/| $$ \_______/|__/      
                      /$$  | $$                    
                     |  $$$$$$/                    
                      \______/                     
 

 
 

#7 craine

craine

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 21 posts
  • LocationMassachusetts, USA
  • Team:Riff Raff
  • World:US3
  • Character:Advisor, News correspondent
Reputation: 99

Posted 01 September 2019 - 09:15 PM

Dear Catznchocolate,
The short answer, without getting into quantum physics, is Cleveland. All unused energy goes to Cleveland. This is by no means a noble purpose. However, look no further than Justin Bieber. He expends great amounts of energy to no noble purpose and look at how much money he has gained.
I realize that this does not make you feel better but when I took the hypocritic oath I promised that I would not lie to my patients. You will find that many of the truths we hold dear depend upon a certain point of view.
I suggest lying down for the next fortnight and chewing lavender leaves to soothe your mind.
Good luck and remember: The Force will be with you; always.
  • EzrealStorm, Catznchocolate and Always like this

#8 craine

craine

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 21 posts
  • LocationMassachusetts, USA
  • Team:Riff Raff
  • World:US3
  • Character:Advisor, News correspondent
Reputation: 99

Posted 01 September 2019 - 10:04 PM

Dearest Meljer,
I apologise for my delayed reply. I was out walking my platypus. He wishes you to know that he is sorry and that walking with webbed feet is uncomfortable. As for your first comment: Yes the shells of some lobsters are indeed blue and I hope that you do not eat those shells - they hurt; twice. As for blueberries, I am reminded of a nursery rhyme which my mother would often tell me.
"Roses are red,
Blueberries are violet,
Now go clean your room."
Indeed there are no foods which are truly blue, unless you count spoiled lunch meat.

As for what keeps me going? Well, apart from caffeine, I would attribute it to the combination of the metal plate in my head and the vast number of ham radio operators in the north east who NEVER SHUT UP! Sorry, that Glen from Kennebunkport drives me nuts.

Thanks for your question and remember: Running with scissors is all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Edited by craine, 01 September 2019 - 10:15 PM.

  • EzrealStorm, meljer and Always like this

#9 Always

Always

    Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 4 posts
  • Team:Myrmidones
  • World:US4
  • Character:Always
Reputation: 18

Posted 02 September 2019 - 03:51 AM

Dear Dr Craine,

 

I am posed with the question, which came first, the chicken or the egg? After a millenium of meditation I have come to the conclusion that the chicken is the eggs way of reproducing itself. But after reading your anal-ysis I am convinced that you may have a better answer to this time old question. Also, why does my butt itch?

 

Yours always,

Always 


Edited by Always, 02 September 2019 - 03:54 AM.

  • craine likes this

                                (smug)      Always aim for the moon          (angel)

 

                                                       If you miss   

 

                              (devil)          You'll land in the stars         :wub:


#10 EzrealStorm

EzrealStorm

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 331 posts
  • LocationCanada
  • Team:NaturalBornChillers
  • World:US4
  • Character:Astral
Reputation: 376

Posted 02 September 2019 - 03:53 AM

Dear Dr Craine,

 

I am writing you to ask, is it concerning that I have a constant itch in my back? It never goes away and when certain people get close, it gets worse. Do you have a SPECIAL cream that helps get rid of such itches? Please let me know as soon as possible. I am now  gonna go walk my Velociraptor before it does it on the couch. BRB! I also hold scissors the wrong way constantly. What are you gonna do about it huh? 


  • craine likes this

(lol) ~Astral is amazing~ (lol) 

(inlove)  (heart)  (inlove)

(smug) ~ Taylor's Biggest Fan ~ (smug) 


#11 craine

craine

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 21 posts
  • LocationMassachusetts, USA
  • Team:Riff Raff
  • World:US3
  • Character:Advisor, News correspondent
Reputation: 99

Posted 02 September 2019 - 11:36 AM

Dear Always,
As always, I thoroughly enjoy the difficult questions. This particular little conundrum has confused philosophers for centuries, most likely because it overheats the brain. I have had the foresight to construct a skull cap out of aluminum foil and aloe vera to aid in the dissipation of heat and will now delve into this perplexing riddle.
While the chicken and the egg are codependent upon each other the snag in this problem is the word "first".
Most people, and some chickens, believe that time is linear. This is an understandable yet incorrect analysis. Time is arranged in a manner that is not unlike a soft pretzel with mustard, but certainly not salt. It has no beginning or end and contains those two little bumpy things on the sides.
Now imagine, if you will, that the egg is at one of those bumps and the chicken is at the other reading a newspaper. Both are in the pathway of time and can process through the twists and turns of the pretzel until they switch places; it takes the egg longer because it lacks legs.
So to sum up, both the egg and chicken have been, are currently and will continue to come first and last until such time as a snot nosed little brat with jam on his/her hands takes a bite of the pretzel.

Thank you for your question!
Best regards,
Dr. Craine.
  • Always likes this

#12 craine

craine

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 21 posts
  • LocationMassachusetts, USA
  • Team:Riff Raff
  • World:US3
  • Character:Advisor, News correspondent
Reputation: 99

Posted 02 September 2019 - 11:57 AM

Dear Ezreal,
The sensation you are experiencing is referred to in the medical profession as "Whythehelldoesmybackitch-itis".  This is due to your third and seventh chakras being misaligned; they have actually switched places.
It requires immediate medical attention! Here is what you need to do:
1) get a hand held egg beater, single head not dual, and 2.7 ounces of ear wax, it must be your own.
2) Place the egg beater in your left front pocket and the ear wax in your right front pocket.
3) Now walk backwards while singing "Alone again" by Gilbert O'Sullivan twice.

This will realign your chakras, or piss them off so much that they move to Cleveland. If you do not own any pants with pockets you are unfortunately screwed.

As for holding scissors the wrong way, rub buttermilk on your thumbs and index fingers while looking into a 10" x 20" mirror. This should fix you right up.

Thank you for your question and pet your velociraptor for me.

Sincerely,
Dr. Craine.
  • EzrealStorm likes this

#13 EzrealStorm

EzrealStorm

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 331 posts
  • LocationCanada
  • Team:NaturalBornChillers
  • World:US4
  • Character:Astral
Reputation: 376

Posted 02 September 2019 - 12:13 PM

Dear Ezreal,
The sensation you are experiencing is referred to in the medical profession as "Whythehelldoesmybackitch-itis".  This is due to your third and seventh chakras being misaligned; they have actually switched places.
It requires immediate medical attention! Here is what you need to do:
1) get a hand held egg beater, single head not dual, and 2.7 ounces of ear wax, it must be your own.
2) Place the egg beater in your left front pocket and the ear wax in your right front pocket.
3) Now walk backwards while singing "Alone again" by Gilbert O'Sullivan twice.

This will realign your chakras, or piss them off so much that they move to Cleveland. If you do not own any pants with pockets you are unfortunately screwed.

As for holding scissors the wrong way, rub buttermilk on your thumbs and index fingers while looking into a 10" x 20" mirror. This should fix you right up.

Thank you for your question and pet your velociraptor for me.

Sincerely,
Dr. Craine.

 

Dear Dr. Craine, 

 

Your advice I am sure works. I will contact you again in 45 years when I obtain 2.7 ounces of my own ear wax. Until then - I will be at the store buying Q-tips


  • craine, Catznchocolate and Always like this

(lol) ~Astral is amazing~ (lol) 

(inlove)  (heart)  (inlove)

(smug) ~ Taylor's Biggest Fan ~ (smug) 


#14 craine

craine

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 21 posts
  • LocationMassachusetts, USA
  • Team:Riff Raff
  • World:US3
  • Character:Advisor, News correspondent
Reputation: 99

Posted 02 September 2019 - 12:23 PM

Dear Always,
I did not forget about your last question "Why does my butt itch?". Now that my thinking cap has cooled down, I have both removed and inverted it. Simply sit upon it and your backside shall be right as rain in approximately one hour, give or take mine minutes.

Hope this helps.
Your servant,
Dr. Craine.
  • EzrealStorm and Always like this

#15 Always

Always

    Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 4 posts
  • Team:Myrmidones
  • World:US4
  • Character:Always
Reputation: 18

Posted 02 September 2019 - 12:25 PM

Dear Always,
As always, I thoroughly enjoy the difficult questions. This particular little conundrum has confused philosophers for centuries, most likely because it overheats the brain. I have had the foresight to construct a skull cap out of aluminum foil and aloe vera to aid in the dissipation of heat and will now delve into this perplexing riddle.
While the chicken and the egg are codependent upon each other the snag in this problem is the word "first".
Most people, and some chickens, believe that time is linear. This is an understandable yet incorrect analysis. Time is arranged in a manner that is not unlike a soft pretzel with mustard, but certainly not salt. It has no beginning or end and contains those two little bumpy things on the sides.
Now imagine, if you will, that the egg is at one of those bumps and the chicken is at the other reading a newspaper. Both are in the pathway of time and can process through the twists and turns of the pretzel until they switch places; it takes the egg longer because it lacks legs.
So to sum up, both the egg and chicken have been, are currently and will continue to come first and last until such time as a snot nosed little brat with jam on his/her hands takes a bite of the pretzel.

Thank you for your question!
Best regards,
Dr. Craine.

Dearest Dr Craine,

 

I am very concerned with where the pretzel came from, there was no pretzel, and the newspaper held the food scraps for the chicken to eat, and I'm still left with the underlying issue, of why my butt itches. Do you have your own practice, do you have a collegue I might seek for a second opinion on these matters?

 

Yours always,

Always


  • craine likes this

                                (smug)      Always aim for the moon          (angel)

 

                                                       If you miss   

 

                              (devil)          You'll land in the stars         :wub:


#16 Always

Always

    Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 4 posts
  • Team:Myrmidones
  • World:US4
  • Character:Always
Reputation: 18

Posted 02 September 2019 - 12:29 PM

Dear Always,
I did not forget about your last question "Why does my butt itch?". Now that my thinking cap has cooled down, I have both removed and inverted it. Simply sit upon it and your backside shall be right as rain in approximately one hour, give or take mine minutes.

Hope this helps.
Your servant,
Dr. Craine.

Dear Servant,

 

I seemed to have missed this before making my next post.

 

Yours always

Always


  • craine likes this

                                (smug)      Always aim for the moon          (angel)

 

                                                       If you miss   

 

                              (devil)          You'll land in the stars         :wub:


#17 meljer

meljer

    Advanced Member

  • Moderators
  • 106 posts
  • Team:Valorous Vagrants!
  • World:US3
  • Character:meljer (operationredwings)
Reputation: 103

Posted 02 September 2019 - 12:51 PM

Dr. Craine

I need your help..I got a case of Spattergroit, and I'm not sure what to do. I am developing all these strange and mystic feelings and I swear my nose is gonna drop off. I googled my problem and in 2 searches I am already dead. Maybe you have some wonderful advice
  • craine likes this
 
 /$$      /$$           /$$                        
| $$$    /$$$          | $$                        
| $$$$  /$$$$  /$$$$$$ | $$ /$$  /$$$$$$   /$$$$$$ 
| $$ $$/$$ $$ /$$__  $$| $$|__/ /$$__  $$ /$$__  $$
| $$  $$$| $$| $$$$$$$$| $$ /$$| $$$$$$$$| $$  \__/
| $$\  $ | $$| $$_____/| $$| $$| $$_____/| $$      
| $$ \/  | $$|  $$$$$$$| $$| $$|  $$$$$$$| $$      
|__/     |__/ \_______/|__/| $$ \_______/|__/      
                      /$$  | $$                    
                     |  $$$$$$/                    
                      \______/                     
 

 
 

#18 craine

craine

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 21 posts
  • LocationMassachusetts, USA
  • Team:Riff Raff
  • World:US3
  • Character:Advisor, News correspondent
Reputation: 99

Posted 02 September 2019 - 01:18 PM

My dear, poor Meljer,
My deepest sympathies to you in your affliction. Spattergroit (the breaking out of blemishes and unseemly pustules upon the skin) is no laughing matter.
The term Spattergroit comes from Old German. Schplattenze Gerrottenstein was first diagnosed by the medieval alchemist Wilhelm von Shlappenkiester. He perceived, incorrectly, that the source of the disease was caused by a club footed midget living in the patient's stomach. We now know this to be completely false. It is caused by petting a lactating male hamster.
Do not panic. This is curable. Simply bathe in a solution of one part turpentine, three parts Tibetan yak saliva and eleven and one half parts of Pepto Bismol. Repeat this until the blemishes have disappeared and the pustules have moved to the next ZIP code.
Your nose will in fact NOT fall off; though you may wish that it had.

Best of luck to you!
Humbly,
Dr. Craine.
  • meljer likes this

#19 sumguy

sumguy

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 31 posts
  • Team:Freedom fighter
  • World:US3
  • Character:Sumguy
Reputation: 43

Posted 02 September 2019 - 04:19 PM

Dear Dr. Craine,

 

I found myself deeply troubled by the discussion in this thread of running with scissors, losing eyes, etc. So to gain more perspective, I tried running with scissors. But the scissors just laid there and couldn't keep up with me. So I went to Pamplona and ran with the bulls. I could definitely tell that the danger to eyes and other body parts was far greater with bulls than with scissors.

 

In trying to determine why that was true, this is what occurred to me: Since you described a safe way of holding scissors, perhaps you know a safer way to hold the bulls while running with them.

 

Myopically yours,

One-eyed Sumguy


  • craine and Catznchocolate like this

#20 craine

craine

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 21 posts
  • LocationMassachusetts, USA
  • Team:Riff Raff
  • World:US3
  • Character:Advisor, News correspondent
Reputation: 99

Posted 02 September 2019 - 04:33 PM

Dear Sumguy,
The safest way, by far, to hold a bull whilst running with said bull is to grip it by the glándula pituitaria, or pituitary gland. Please note that this only works in Pamplona. One must have fingers which are both long and slender; small enough to fit inside of the ear canal of the bull in question.
While this is the safest way, it is by no means safe. Imagine drinking three gallons of iced tea while suffering from a 0.7 ounce kidney stone and trying to sit very still in the front row of church.
It also helps to wear proper running shoes, but the bull may find them uncomfortable.
So run with this idea and stay upwind of the bull.
Good luck!
Dr. Craine.

Edited by craine, 02 September 2019 - 04:42 PM.

  • sumguy likes this




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users