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ASK DR. CRAINE !


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#21 Catznchocolate

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Posted 02 September 2019 - 07:56 PM

Dear Dr. Craine,

 

In Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy there is a creature called a babelfish that can be placed into one's ear so that all spoken language can be translated into one's native language.  Can you recommend a similar device for Playata to install that works on written words so that I may instantly understand my Greek, Portuguese and Turkish teammates and vice versa?


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#22 craine

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Posted 02 September 2019 - 08:11 PM

Dear Catz,
May I call you Catz? I do in fact know of such a device. It works independently of Playata and all other software for that matter and it is possible that it can for in one's ear, but I gotta tell ya, you have to push that sucker hard!
It is called a translation dictionary. Find the smallest one you can. Next apply a liberal amount of Crisco to your ear. Then hold the dictionary up to your ear, both hands please, and turn your head so that the dictionary faces the opposite wall of any given room. Now run full tilt into the car wall.
Once your head stops ringing you will be very much like C3PO, minus the dangly arms.
PROBLEM SOLVED!

Good luck and remember to throw away the remaining Crisco.

Yours truly,
Dr. Craine.

#23 meljer

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Posted 03 September 2019 - 03:00 PM

Dr craine


Why were there snakes on a plane, a snake in woody's boots, Angel's in the outfield and why would everyones name be john jacob jingleheimer schmidt
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| $$ \/  | $$|  $$$$$$$| $$| $$|  $$$$$$$| $$      
|__/     |__/ \_______/|__/| $$ \_______/|__/      
                      /$$  | $$                    
                     |  $$$$$$/                    
                      \______/                     
 

 
 

#24 craine

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Posted 03 September 2019 - 03:23 PM

Dear Meljer,
Your answers, in order are:
1) Because the ship they were going to take was overbooked.
2) Because Woody's underwear smelled worse.
3) Because with Hitler up to bat they needed their best fielder's.
4) This was before the tower of Babel when everyone spoke the same language. It was the easiest way to determine who had a speech impediment.

Glad to help!
Dr. Craine.
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#25 NewDay

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Posted 03 September 2019 - 05:49 PM

Hello Dr. craina,

 

Before inquiring with your services further; I was wondering, what did you receive your doctorate in?


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#26 craine

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Posted 03 September 2019 - 06:17 PM

Dear NewD-ay,
I received my PhD from Pamplona University, or "Old P.U." as we called it back then. It is the Spanish annex of Whatsamatta U. back here in the States. My degree is in Mierda del Toro, or as it is in Latin: Mierda del Toro.
Thanks for your question and I hope that I here from you further.

Yours truly,
Dr. Craine.
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#27 sumguy

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Posted 03 September 2019 - 11:23 PM

...

My degree is in Mierda del Toro, or as it is in Latin: Mierda del Toro.
....

 

Quite the coincidence, as I got my B.S. in Mierda Del Toro. Some have remarked that such a degree is redundant. But I fail to see their objection.

 

I did want to congratulate you on your perseverance in taking your studies to the next level. It is both admirable and appropriate that you have Piled it higher and Deeper with the achievement of your PhD

 

Again, my most sincere congratulations,

Sumguy.


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#28 FaithfulAizen

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Posted 04 September 2019 - 01:47 AM

Dear Dr Craine

 

I have someone hitting me daily in the game. Does that mean they like me and have a crush on me? I've been hitting them back (Sometimes I do it first) to see what happens and they hit me back. What do I do?

 

Sincerely,

Confused moderator


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Aizen is the best

(inlove) (inlove) (inlove) (inlove) (inlove) (inlove) (inlove)

(smug) brb gotta do dishes (smug)


#29 craine

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Posted 04 September 2019 - 11:15 AM

My dearest Faithful Aizen,
Thank you for being so brave by bringing forth such a potentially intimate question.
Without knowing more of the context around this situation I am limited to discussing it in terms that are general, clinical, abstract and mildly amusing in a manner that makes you look embarrassingly silly and me perceptively intelligent with a hint of mint.
Hitting on someone within the confines of the game is par for the course. However, to get to the reason behind the love attacks, we must investigate why they come from the individual in question. I will list the most common types of attacks, arranged by their number of covalent atomic electron shells alongside their equivalent from the periodic table of elements. Here we go!

1. Fr (Francium) The love tap
This is the puppy love of amorous pugilism. It can be as innocent as a questionable touch to see if the recipient is interested or if they have a pulse. Don't read too deeply into this one.

2. Si (Silicon) The lingering lean
This is less of an actual hit than it is an occupation of the recipient's personal space. This could be a quick visit or, if they brought a cooler with them, they may very well stay for the day. This is best illustrated by those women you see holding up light posts on street corners at two in the morning.

3. B (Boron) The Jane Goodall surprise
There is no mistaking this one. This is a full-contact-I-don't-care-if-you've-bathed-you-are-now-my-sock-puppet attack. You can see this in the behavior of gorillas on National Geographic.
This is a duck and cover event. You are going to really get it, so try to enjoy what you can.

4. C (Carbon) The Tet offensive
Now you've done it! Something about you has set their loins afire. Not only are they coming after you with everything they've got they are bringing the rest of the village with them! Anyway you look at it you're screwed. There is no bright side to this one. Once you are out of traction someone will make a documentary about the whole thing and you will have to change your name and move to another continent.

As for what you should do? That's all up to you. If you want no part of them then perhaps a none-to-gentle knee to the summer sausage is in order.

Best of luck to you,
Dr. Craine.
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#30 FaithfulAizen

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Posted 04 September 2019 - 02:20 PM

Thanks Dr Craine!


Aizen is the best

(inlove) (inlove) (inlove) (inlove) (inlove) (inlove) (inlove)

(smug) brb gotta do dishes (smug)


#31 Always

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Posted 04 September 2019 - 11:36 PM

Dearest Dr Craine (aka my servant),

 

WHY IS ALL THE RUM GONE?

 

I'm still also in limbo about whether or not you have a collegue I might visit. And btw, the pretzel has gone soggy, the chicken threw it in it's water.

 

Yours always

Always.


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                                (smug)      Always aim for the moon          (angel)

 

                                                       If you miss   

 

                              (devil)          You'll land in the stars         :wub:


#32 craine

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Posted 04 September 2019 - 11:53 PM

Dear Always,
Thank you for your questions.

To answer the first; I am not sure. I would help you look into it but my vision is blurry, my balance is unsteady and I have a headache. I would ask your chicken.

As for my colleague, well I could refer you WE JAMMIN, WE JAMMIN, AND I HOPE YOU LIKE JAMMIN TOO...

Sorry about that. Apparently a Jamaican satellite has just passed overhead. Living with a metal plate in your head is not fun. Where was I? Oh yes. I could refer you to my colleague Viktor von Frankenkiester, Dr. of Phrenology.
I fear that this would help you very little since he yesterday attempted to analyze a waffle iron which was plugged in at the time.

Sorry, that is the best I can offer.

Yours truly,
Dobby.
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#33 Catznchocolate

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Posted 05 September 2019 - 02:35 AM

Dobby, would you like a sock?

 

Dear Dr. Craine, I have a long haired cat and a dusty house.  The cat spends the day sleeping so that she can complain when I come home.  Is there any method I can use to temporarily convert her into a cleaning device so that I have more time to pay attention to the cat and play Hero Zero when I am at home?  I am thinking that if she would spend some of her nap time cleaning we would both be happier. 


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#34 craine

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Posted 05 September 2019 - 04:42 PM

Dear Catz,
I would be much surprised if tying her rear legs together with rubber bands and scattering cat treats throughout the house before you left did not produce the desired result.

At your service,
Dr. Craine.
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#35 will10

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Posted 07 September 2019 - 12:59 AM

Dear Dr. Craine,

 

My next post is true.

 

Will10


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#36 will10

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Posted 07 September 2019 - 12:59 AM

Dear Dr. Craine,

 

My previous post is false.

 

Will10


Edited by will10, 07 September 2019 - 12:59 AM.

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#37 craine

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Posted 07 September 2019 - 10:48 AM

Dear Will,
Semantically both of your statements are false. The only way they can be true is if they read:
My next post is, "My previous post is false."
My previous post is "My next post is true."

Your Editor in Chief,
Dr. Craine.
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#38 craine

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Posted 07 September 2019 - 02:26 PM

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have helped make this show so successful. May you continue to have mental health issues, may your psychoses know no bounds and may you write to me revealing your most embarrassing and intimate thoughts.

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#39 Catznchocolate

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Posted 07 September 2019 - 02:29 PM

Dr. Craine, does the first sponsor have anything for cats?  I don't have any dogs.


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#40 craine

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Posted 07 September 2019 - 02:33 PM

Dear poochless Catz,
At this point they do not. Perhaps contacting them may change that. You might also opt for obtaining (legally) a dog of your own. If you do please consider it's size; it does matter.

Sincerely,
Dr. Craine.




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