ASK DR. CRAINE !
Started by
craine
, Sep 01 2019 07:14 PM
131 replies to this topic
#121
Posted 26 November 2021 - 03:48 PM
Dear Meljer,
I'm willing to give your pachyderm a check-up from the neck-up, though I am obligated to point out a few ground rules. Firstly, my rates are based upon gross weight of the "crainium" (see what I did there?) in question. Elephants typically possess small brains so the fee may seem like peanuts to you, but I most stringently attest that I do not accept peanuts as payment. I like them very much but my goldfish has a nut allergy. Also, your elephant may at no time be IN the infinity pool. Elephants are not known to leave water during calls of nature.
As for the purple schtick:
Not to belittle your concern, but it sounds to this doctor that you indeed have "Porphyrophobia", or as the ancient Greeks called it, "Porphyrophobia"; the fear of the color purple. I want to make it abundantly clear that here at Dr. Craine's Sanitorium and Hair Salon we do NOT discriminate against any color, nor do we tolerate the discriminations of others towards any color. You may not want to be purple, but what of Purple's feelings? Will you savagely expunge Purple from your being in a totalitarian and cruel manner?
However if being purple is causing detriment to your well-being I am under the "hypocratic" oath and must proscribe a treatment plan.
You mentioned that you are getting "rounder". I highly suspect that only your cheeks are getting rounder. As for the purple color thingy I would urgently ask that you stop holding your breath. Seriously. Immediately!
Your "Quack with the knack",
Dr. Craine
I'm willing to give your pachyderm a check-up from the neck-up, though I am obligated to point out a few ground rules. Firstly, my rates are based upon gross weight of the "crainium" (see what I did there?) in question. Elephants typically possess small brains so the fee may seem like peanuts to you, but I most stringently attest that I do not accept peanuts as payment. I like them very much but my goldfish has a nut allergy. Also, your elephant may at no time be IN the infinity pool. Elephants are not known to leave water during calls of nature.
As for the purple schtick:
Not to belittle your concern, but it sounds to this doctor that you indeed have "Porphyrophobia", or as the ancient Greeks called it, "Porphyrophobia"; the fear of the color purple. I want to make it abundantly clear that here at Dr. Craine's Sanitorium and Hair Salon we do NOT discriminate against any color, nor do we tolerate the discriminations of others towards any color. You may not want to be purple, but what of Purple's feelings? Will you savagely expunge Purple from your being in a totalitarian and cruel manner?
However if being purple is causing detriment to your well-being I am under the "hypocratic" oath and must proscribe a treatment plan.
You mentioned that you are getting "rounder". I highly suspect that only your cheeks are getting rounder. As for the purple color thingy I would urgently ask that you stop holding your breath. Seriously. Immediately!
Your "Quack with the knack",
Dr. Craine
- meljer likes this
#123
Posted 26 November 2021 - 08:29 PM
Meljer,
Because I am a male and therefore incapable of asking for directions.
Too easy!!
Grunting with testosterone,
Dr. Craine.
Because I am a male and therefore incapable of asking for directions.
Too easy!!
Grunting with testosterone,
Dr. Craine.
- meljer likes this
#125
Posted 28 November 2021 - 01:21 AM
Poor beleaguered Meljer,
My door is always open. If I'm not in then I am most likely cooling off my overworked brain by sitting in a vat of cold cream.
I asked for a raise; they gave me a step stool.
They do not pay me in donuts; they pay me in Pepto-Bismol.
Animals communicate through the pH levels of their pheromones, and guess where the biologists stick the Litmus paper?
As for the longevity of animals' memory? It lasts for as long as their sum-atomic weight at the Equator divided by the number of grams of trans-fat in a 10 oz. can of Spam, in minutes. This is excepting, of course, that the animal in question does not experience a dramatic interruption; such as Litmus paper.
As for the conundrums:
1) The shark thought they saw Justin Bieber, whom we all know tastes like pork rinds.
2) The fruit was named "Orange" first, by someone with a sinus infection.
3) 6 pm, or "six of the clock, post meridian" was named by Augustus Caesar's court jester Slappy McButtcheeks.
In the end, all things are relative; just ask any member of the Hapsburg Dynasty. If you wish to call an orange "blue" I won't stop you; just don't tell anyone I said you could do it.
Voted "Most likely to forget his pants",
Dr. Craine.
- meljer likes this
#127
Posted 29 November 2021 - 01:08 AM
Why Meler, that is incredibly kind of you to offer your anal-ytic mind to my anxiety-ridden psyche and I think I will-just add another hyphenated word.
My so-called mind is fraught with so many things which at first blush may seem trivial yet if you dig a little deeper soon become irksome in their perplexities. Permit me to list a few:
Nutrition Labels:
A bag of spinach from any grocery store will list that it has 0 trans-fat, as does all spinach because, well spinach is just spinach. Which is the best way to view such a claim? Yes, it is truth in advertising (of which there is very little), yet it's not much different than claiming that a person's earlobes are devoid of cuticles or someone walking up to you and stating, "I will not punch you in the nose, so you should be happy and have a good day!"
Farting:
Every biped farts. It is necessary if you don't want to wear your eardrums where everyone can see them. People (usually) are ashamed of it, it's considered socially unacceptable, those who openly admit it are avoided in future conversations even though they are being honest (which is a virtue), and if you do it and blame it on a nun you have to go to confession. Societally, are we then discouraging virtue for the sake of pretending to be socially virtuous? Paradox.
The Transportation Industry:
Trucks carry Shipments. Ships carry Cargo.
Nuff said.
The Great Wall of China:
First off, it's not made of porcelain. Secondly, ask 100 random people and most will state with absolute certainty that it is visible, with the unaided eye, from space. Yet it's completely false. You would be looking for an enormous structure in it's length but it's only so many feet wide and therefore invisible. Who are they fooling?
Lastly, how in the hell do funny comics make a living today in such a self-righteous and woke culture? Better to be a street sweeper.
Searching for his broom,
Dr. Craine.
My so-called mind is fraught with so many things which at first blush may seem trivial yet if you dig a little deeper soon become irksome in their perplexities. Permit me to list a few:
Nutrition Labels:
A bag of spinach from any grocery store will list that it has 0 trans-fat, as does all spinach because, well spinach is just spinach. Which is the best way to view such a claim? Yes, it is truth in advertising (of which there is very little), yet it's not much different than claiming that a person's earlobes are devoid of cuticles or someone walking up to you and stating, "I will not punch you in the nose, so you should be happy and have a good day!"
Farting:
Every biped farts. It is necessary if you don't want to wear your eardrums where everyone can see them. People (usually) are ashamed of it, it's considered socially unacceptable, those who openly admit it are avoided in future conversations even though they are being honest (which is a virtue), and if you do it and blame it on a nun you have to go to confession. Societally, are we then discouraging virtue for the sake of pretending to be socially virtuous? Paradox.
The Transportation Industry:
Trucks carry Shipments. Ships carry Cargo.
Nuff said.
The Great Wall of China:
First off, it's not made of porcelain. Secondly, ask 100 random people and most will state with absolute certainty that it is visible, with the unaided eye, from space. Yet it's completely false. You would be looking for an enormous structure in it's length but it's only so many feet wide and therefore invisible. Who are they fooling?
Lastly, how in the hell do funny comics make a living today in such a self-righteous and woke culture? Better to be a street sweeper.
Searching for his broom,
Dr. Craine.
- meljer likes this
#129
Posted 29 November 2021 - 11:41 AM
My dear intern,
A most ass-tute diagnosis! I feel like my chakras have been realigned.
Sweeping outside Clem's Bait & Tackle and Burlesque Veterinary Clinic,
Dr. Craine.
A most ass-tute diagnosis! I feel like my chakras have been realigned.
Sweeping outside Clem's Bait & Tackle and Burlesque Veterinary Clinic,
Dr. Craine.
- meljer likes this
#132
Posted 28 January 2022 - 07:48 PM
Dear Meljer,
If he is a bald male in North America hit him with the fibblewibbbits and turnips because he would deserve it.
...on second thought you may wish to abstain from that; he might like it.
Emptying another pudding cup,
Dr. Craine
If he is a bald male in North America hit him with the fibblewibbbits and turnips because he would deserve it.
...on second thought you may wish to abstain from that; he might like it.
Emptying another pudding cup,
Dr. Craine
- meljer likes this
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