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ASK DR. CRAINE !


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#121 craine

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Posted 26 November 2021 - 03:48 PM

Dear Meljer,

I'm willing to give your pachyderm a check-up from the neck-up, though I am obligated to point out a few ground rules. Firstly, my rates are based upon gross weight of the "crainium" (see what I did there?) in question. Elephants typically possess small brains so the fee may seem like peanuts to you, but I most stringently attest that I do not accept peanuts as payment. I like them very much but my goldfish has a nut allergy. Also, your elephant may at no time be IN the infinity pool. Elephants are not known to leave water during calls of nature.

As for the purple schtick:
Not to belittle your concern, but it sounds to this doctor that you indeed have "Porphyrophobia", or as the ancient Greeks called it, "Porphyrophobia"; the fear of the color purple. I want to make it abundantly clear that here at Dr. Craine's Sanitorium and Hair Salon we do NOT discriminate against any color, nor do we tolerate the discriminations of others towards any color. You may not want to be purple, but what of Purple's feelings? Will you savagely expunge Purple from your being in a totalitarian and cruel manner?
However if being purple is causing detriment to your well-being I am under the "hypocratic" oath and must proscribe a treatment plan.

You mentioned that you are getting "rounder". I highly suspect that only your cheeks are getting rounder. As for the purple color thingy I would urgently ask that you stop holding your breath. Seriously. Immediately!

Your "Quack with the knack",
Dr. Craine
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#122 meljer

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Posted 26 November 2021 - 08:12 PM

if three rights make a left, and 2 wrongs dont make a right, and the sky is blue then why did you make a wrong turn at albuquerque


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#123 craine

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Posted 26 November 2021 - 08:29 PM

Meljer,

Because I am a male and therefore incapable of asking for directions.
Too easy!!

Grunting with testosterone,
Dr. Craine.
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#124 meljer

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Posted 28 November 2021 - 12:27 AM

Dr. Craine,

 

i got to say i missed our sessions tremendously and glad that you agreed to see this crazy person again.  i hope you dont mind the frequency of our appts, but i find your monologue intriguing.  i tihnk though you should ask for a raise as you do a tremendous job counseling us crazies.  i also heard they pay you in donuts.....im sorry but this is not a good idea as they can be putting razors in them.  or giving you stale ones from 6 years ago.

 

in my brief time that i was employed by them though they treated me nice, except for that one time i found a q-tip in my soda, i think i know who that was though...not to mention names.....soares....**cough...cough**  sorry small cold, but working with them was riveting.

 

now lets shift the focus back to me, i was wondering, how do we know how animals communicate efficiently.  a bark is a bark is it not, so is it the pitch...tone..or do they communicate with their minds...a flock of birds all making noise but they know what the other is saying.

 

or better how do we know a fish remembers 3 seconds but a elephant remembers 30yrs...can we actually know this, or it is simply a guess.

 

do we really know that the shark that ate someone saw them as a baby seal, or is that our assumption.  just like the old saying was the orange names orange because its orange or was the color called orange because that is what the fruit was....or who determined that 6pm was 6pm...was it the same person that said numbers are numbers because i say...

 

is it then all relative and if so  can i call a orange blue because that is what i believe?

 

im not sure but sometimes these things get me thinking.  if you think about it you can question everything.  for instance, imagine that you were in a sims game right now and you forgot something, but in reality your action was canceled.  

 

see doc, i need lots of help, let me know how frequently we can meet :P

 

your greatest patient

 

mel


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#125 craine

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Posted 28 November 2021 - 01:21 AM


Poor beleaguered Meljer,

My door is always open. If I'm not in then I am most likely cooling off my overworked brain by sitting in a vat of cold cream.

I asked for a raise; they gave me a step stool.

They do not pay me in donuts; they pay me in Pepto-Bismol.

Animals communicate through the pH levels of their pheromones, and guess where the biologists stick the Litmus paper?

As for the longevity of animals' memory? It lasts for as long as their sum-atomic weight at the Equator divided by the number of grams of trans-fat in a 10 oz. can of Spam, in minutes. This is excepting, of course, that the animal in question does not experience a dramatic interruption; such as Litmus paper.

As for the conundrums:

1) The shark thought they saw Justin Bieber, whom we all know tastes like pork rinds.

2) The fruit was named "Orange" first, by someone with a sinus infection.

3) 6 pm, or "six of the clock, post meridian" was named by Augustus Caesar's court jester Slappy McButtcheeks.

In the end, all things are relative; just ask any member of the Hapsburg Dynasty. If you wish to call an orange "blue" I won't stop you; just don't tell anyone I said you could do it.

Voted "Most likely to forget his pants",
Dr. Craine.
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#126 meljer

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Posted 29 November 2021 - 12:23 AM

DR Craine,

 

whew **figuratively wipes forehead** thank you so much for helping my over active mind.  i guess a step stool is better then nothing....**shhuruggs**

 

you know i be no one has asked you lately, do you have any concerns or problems that we can help you with, you might be the doctor but you must get over whelmed at things.  so here is a question for you, what weighs on the mind of a doctor.  lets see if we can council you.  :P 


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#127 craine

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Posted 29 November 2021 - 01:08 AM

Why Meler, that is incredibly kind of you to offer your anal-ytic mind to my anxiety-ridden psyche and I think I will-just add another hyphenated word.

My so-called mind is fraught with so many things which at first blush may seem trivial yet if you dig a little deeper soon become irksome in their perplexities. Permit me to list a few:


Nutrition Labels:
A bag of spinach from any grocery store will list that it has 0 trans-fat, as does all spinach because, well spinach is just spinach. Which is the best way to view such a claim? Yes, it is truth in advertising (of which there is very little), yet it's not much different than claiming that a person's earlobes are devoid of cuticles or someone walking up to you and stating, "I will not punch you in the nose, so you should be happy and have a good day!"

Farting:
Every biped farts. It is necessary if you don't want to wear your eardrums where everyone can see them. People (usually) are ashamed of it, it's considered socially unacceptable, those who openly admit it are avoided in future conversations even though they are being honest (which is a virtue), and if you do it and blame it on a nun you have to go to confession. Societally, are we then discouraging virtue for the sake of pretending to be socially virtuous? Paradox.

The Transportation Industry:
Trucks carry Shipments. Ships carry Cargo.
Nuff said.

The Great Wall of China:
First off, it's not made of porcelain. Secondly, ask 100 random people and most will state with absolute certainty that it is visible, with the unaided eye, from space. Yet it's completely false. You would be looking for an enormous structure in it's length but it's only so many feet wide and therefore invisible. Who are they fooling?

Lastly, how in the hell do funny comics make a living today in such a self-righteous and woke culture? Better to be a street sweeper.


Searching for his broom,
Dr. Craine.
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#128 meljer

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Posted 29 November 2021 - 02:41 AM

My Dear Dr Craine,

 

thank you for letting me see the mind of a DR.  i hope you know that i let my license expire in 2013....but i do know a thing or too...now first let me begin by saying if the wind is blowing to the east tonight you MUST wear your socks on your hands, and a boppy pin on ur left pinky finger!! or this advice is moot.  if it is blowing any other way then you are safe, except if the day ends in a Y...then you have to gargle lemon juice for 4 minutes while humming the song "leader of the pack"...well here it goes....

 

 

 

Why Meler, that is incredibly kind of you to offer your anal-ytic mind to my anxiety-ridden psyche and I think I will-just add another hyphenated word.

My so-called mind is fraught with so many things which at first blush may seem trivial yet if you dig a little deeper soon become irksome in their perplexities. Permit me to list a few:


Nutrition Labels:
A bag of spinach from any grocery store will list that it has 0 trans-fat, as does all spinach because, well spinach is just spinach. Which is the best way to view such a claim? Yes, it is truth in advertising (of which there is very little), yet it's not much different than claiming that a person's earlobes are devoid of cuticles or someone walking up to you and stating, "I will not punch you in the nose, so you should be happy and have a good day!"  the reason their is 0 trans-fat on the label is the same reason their is a DO NOT EAT on tide detergent, people will be ...not smart and do it...therefore it says this because there is that one person who will ask..is there trans fat...NO KAREN there is not..so boom they added it so there will not be that one curious person...that being said just because the label says 0 trans fat does not mean it doesnt have trans fat, just not enough to matter to them.

Farting:
Every biped farts. It is necessary if you don't want to wear your eardrums where everyone can see them. People (usually) are ashamed of it, it's considered socially unacceptable, those who openly admit it are avoided in future conversations even though they are being honest (which is a virtue), and if you do it and blame it on a nun you have to go to confession. Societally, are we then discouraging virtue for the sake of pretending to be socially virtuous? Paradox. farting (or passing gas) in of itself is not the embarrassing part, but what comes after,  if you are in a crowded bus and your dog rips a deadly stinker, and you blame it on bob then people will move away from bob because of the stentch, not so much the fart...but if you are at a important work meeting about how you can sell more pinenuts and you let one go, you might see your paycheck a little short the following week.  as for the virtue, is the virtue being honest, or telling the truth. which are two different things by the way...while you are told to tell the truth, you dont have to openly say I FLIPPIN FARTED!!!!WHEW SMELL THAT!!! lol but i believe that as time goes people will be more accepting.  so fart on my friend, if anyone makes you feel bad tell them, if you hold it in you will blow up....and we dont need craine bits in our hair

The Transportation Industry:
Trucks carry Shipments. Ships carry Cargo.
Nuff said. but, the cargo that ships carry is for a shipment. and a cargo can be aircrafted also so i think we should just go back to the old system and use donkeys to carry our letters to our loved ones...but if you want the definition of the words, cargo is possessive and shipment is non possessive. 

The Great Wall of China:
First off, it's not made of porcelain. Secondly, ask 100 random people and most will state with absolute certainty that it is visible, with the unaided eye, from space. Yet it's completely false. You would be looking for an enormous structure in it's length but it's only so many feet wide and therefore invisible. Who are they fooling?  you are correct, you can not see the Great Wall Of China from space, not even from a low orbit, that being said it is a common thing told in the classrooms, there are a few things "man-made" that can actually be seen from space, but this is not one of them. and id like to know how you know it is not made of porcelain, have you been there.  maybe they have dolls embedded in the walls and their eyes light up at night to make the Huns weary from coming over, 

Lastly, how in the hell do funny comics make a living today in such a self-righteous and woke culture? Better to be a street sweeper.
are you asking about comic books, or comedians lets address both shall we.  comics are always going to be funny, because while "we still have freedom of speech" it is harder for our computers to listen in.  so if we read something then we cant be over heard.  have you read this book called "1984"  might interest you....comedians on the other man is a starving mans deal, you have to find the right audience...what might be funny to one person can really hurt another,  if i call a dog vicious, but you really love that dog you will be less likely to talk to me in the future about dogs, (sort of like the farting situation) . not everyone though wears their tightly withies tight, you will find the right crowd.  thing is make sure you wear your peacock outfit and screech at the top of your lungs while holding a cup of playdough...comics also make a living because they have a side job...and street sweepers are only in business because the comics being thrown out are littering the street. so in order to be a street sweeper you need the comics.

 

now while in giving you some insight i might of confused you more, what is important is that i tried to help ease that mind of yours...i do not know that my explanations are moot or if there is a basis of them, all i know is when i ship this shipment of cargo to you and you open it you will see some comics about spinach being 0 trans fat.  it will be so funny you will tell the comedian that you want him to tell a joke about the hidden dolls in the wall, which will cause Mulan to become a man and defeat the Huns, while Shrek lets it all out in a farting competition with a nun at confession.

 

thank you, ill be waiting for your next mail :) 

 

the unpaid intern

 

mel

Searching for his broom,
Dr. Craine.


Edited by meljer, 29 November 2021 - 02:45 AM.

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#129 craine

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Posted 29 November 2021 - 11:41 AM

My dear intern,
A most ass-tute diagnosis! I feel like my chakras have been realigned.

Sweeping outside Clem's Bait & Tackle and Burlesque Veterinary Clinic,
Dr. Craine.
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#130 meljer

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Posted 25 December 2021 - 04:23 PM

Dear DR. Craine!!

 

im sorry sir but im absolutely insane, 

 

i woke up on Christmas day and wanted a break from the mundane

i looked outside and can not believe it COCAINE...everywhere

i saw a jet plane throw out the Cocaine, but thats just insane.

 

some people says its snow

it flutters down and their happiest grows

but for me it freezes my toes

 

 

some people wake up to gifts

i wake up to these annoying drifts

the stuff came down and with it i frown

 

Merry Christmas to those all around


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#131 meljer

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Posted 28 January 2022 - 03:15 PM

Dr Craine,

 

i recently joined a new/old team in US3,  but i have been having some problems.  you see the leader leaves his dirty underwear in the shower, and he leaves chocolate pudding cups down the sides of the couch in our lounge.  i switched teams because i enjoy this teams company but feel that if i find one more snitzle in my bed from the leader then i might have to hit him with fibblewibbits and turnips.  what do you think i should do?


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#132 craine

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Posted 28 January 2022 - 07:48 PM

Dear Meljer,

If he is a bald male in North America hit him with the fibblewibbbits and turnips because he would deserve it.

...on second thought you may wish to abstain from that; he might like it.

Emptying another pudding cup,

Dr. Craine
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