175 replies to this topic

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear everyone. 

 

Auntie Pink has had a few days of other stuff and comes back to find her column all hijacked. 

 

Tut tut

 

Let me get down to answering your problems...

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Aunty Pink,

I have two problems, I'd like to talk to you about :

The first one is that, the situation with my pet is getting dangerous. My constant vomiting led to dehydration. The dehydration made me pass out at critical points during team battles and duels. My teammates are starting to get worried, and I have to say I am too.
True love is taking its time, and the situation is urgent. Next time, my team might loose a fight, because I just passed out.


What can I do to stop the vomiting temporarily, until true loves does its thing?

The second one is true love.

How do I know it's true love ? Also how many times can I be seduced by evil forces until I'm considered evil myself ?

He thinks he is a villain. I can't help, but doubt it. Over the years, I specialized myself into helping broken-hearted devils. All I could see looking at them was a lot of emptiness masked with what they knew was considered like bad deeds. They are always trying  to push people away. But when you look a little closer, beyond their wicked smile, you can hear their souls lamenting.

I always look too close, ending up getting tormented by my own demons.

He is not one of those broken-hearted devils; he doesn't act like one.
The truth be told, he makes me puke rainbows. We seem to have the sense of humor. 

And that is why I ask again. How do I know it's true love ? And, how many times can I be seduced by evil forces until I'm considered evil myself ?

Truly yours,
SuperSamSam

P.S. : Did I mention the bad dialog ?

 

 

Dear SuperSamSam

 

 

Thanks for asking!

 

OK: The pet / vomiting rainbows problem is easily sorted out. Send me your pet and I'll punt it re-home it and you can get a new one. Get one less cute. Maybe a robot or an irritating goat. Honestly why that's not crossed your mind yet I just don't understand. Oh well. Problem solved, move on.

 

 

(I'm just joking, I would never punt good food).

 

Second question: 

How do you know it's true love? how would I know? Listen to some cheesy '80s pop and take notes. If you fulfill most of their criteria it's either true love or a sign you should stop watching Pretty in Pink and get out more. 

 

Third question: How many times can you be seduced by evil forces and not be considered evil. Well that all depends. Harley Quin was only seduced once and that was it, game over. I guess that means it depends how evil the seducer is and how thoroughly you go for it. Want my advice? I guess you do you keep writing to me. If you want to stay a Good Girl don't fall for this nonsensical "I can make this Bad Boy good again if I only I love him enough" crap. It's nonsense. Bad Boys are Bad Boys. They like it that way. If you can't handle Bad Boys being BAD don't go out with them. It really is that simple. End of story. Honestly I'd blame 50 shades of grey but that myth is as old as the hills. It's a myth. Nonsense. Worse than Twilight (and chuck knows that's bad). 

 

 

He thinks he is a villain. I can't help, but doubt it. Over the years, I specialized myself into helping broken-hearted devils. All I could see looking at them was a lot of emptiness masked with what they knew was considered like bad deeds. They are always trying  to push people away. But when you look a little closer, beyond their wicked smile, you can hear their souls lamenting.
 

 

No. If he says he's a villain, he's a villain. Accept this. Love him as he is or don't but don't kid yourself about him. 

 It's like this. If you buy a diesel car and put petrol in it it won't work. If you don't accept what he says about himself then you're heading for a breakdown. 

 

and the Triple A guy will just laugh at you.

 

Bad Boys Are Bad Boys. 

"I'm a bad guy" is their get out of jail free card. It means everything they do afterwards is on you because you weren't smart enough to stay away. Really. Don't fall for it. Find yourself some nice guy who'll love you for who you are, rainbow vomiting and all and be happy. 

 

yada yada yada all your other questions are repeating yourself. Just read this answer again. Then read it again and again until it sinks in. 

 

If you don't want to date a Bad Guy don't date someone who tells you they're a villain. 

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever!

 

Aunty Pink

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,


In my first post, I said I was the queen of bad choices.
You are about to discover why I was right. My teammates recently learned that I was mistaking their mortal enemy for true love. Little did I know about their past encounters.


According to what they told me, he has been particularly cruel to them. I will pass on the details. I couldn't believe it. But, they would never make something up, and lie to me all in sync.


Still, I can't believe that what seemed like a relationship full of promises ended up jeopardizing my relationship with those people I cherish so much.


It is unfortunate that conflicts from another world have to matter in this one.

I'm now going to get back to my little dog, do you have any advice about that ?


Truly puzzled,
SuperSamSam


Whatever

 

Dear SuperSamSam

 

thanks for asking!

 

I can't believe it took your teammates so long... oh well... I thought you knew.

 

Anyway, I really can't see the problem here... isn't Star-Crossed Love what this is all about? I mean look at Romeo and Juliet. True their path to true love was littered with corpses but again, isn't that what you were looking for? 

 

 

Oh well, in my last post I did say "Bad Boys are Bad Boys" but it looks like you've worked that out now. Shame I couldn't get the advice in first.

 

Back to the doggy. I'd say you'd be better off trading him in for something less cute. If you really want to keep him then it's time you learnt to manage your condition. Make sure you carry plenty of fluids with you at all time. Water is good but perhaps something isotonic would be better, don't want to run low on electrolytes (I've no idea what they are but I presume it's like keeping your radiator topped up with antifreeze as well as water). 

 

hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[PostmodernPugilist]

I prefer "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." And if it is done unto you as you have done unto others, don't whine about it. It's hypocrisy. 

 

 

I prefer to follow the bible and turn the other cheek.

 

 

Maybe in the real world. In-game, I beg to differ. Also, let's not forget that guy is also known for flipping tables and cracking a whip on money changers. And for the record, the "do unto others...." quote is directly out of the Bible. 

 

 

Yes out of context
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

Bible says do unto others what you want (done to you), it's not a revenge quote. (Doesn't say do what they did to you, even if they do you wrong you are supposed to do what you want them to do to you)

But that's all the religion talk today From me.

 

 

Where does it say, "do unto others what you want"? You must be reading a different Bible than me. But there is a revenge quote. "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth."

 

 

The above is king James version. It clearly says do whatsoever that you want done to you.
Read it carefully which means always do to others what you would like them to do to you.

Now you are quoting from the old testament and citing the current law at the time. There's others about incest and other things but if you don't follow all you can pull 1 line in here and there without following all.

 

 

Dear King of Thieves and Leaping Lizard

 

Thanks for "asking"

 

Oh wait, no you didn't, you just went for some long old boring discussion on some stuff. Please take your point-scoring exercise next time.

 

(I'm lying about the boring bit. TLDR would be closer to the truth.)

 

Whatever, Aunty Pink is a postmodernist and therefore doesn't get into discussions about grand narratives. You do whatever helps you sleep at night. Aunty Pink prefers 3 shots of JDs or perhaps a nice cup of warm milk and a copy of the New York Tax code.

 

(I'm lying about the warm milk)

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Aunty Pink,



I bought paper clips, yesterday.


What are your thoughts on that ?


Truly yours,
SuperSamSam


P.S. :This is my nice way to say " Let's not involve religion in this. There is no happy ending. "

 

Dear SuperSamSam

 

thanks for asking!

 

Paperclips are very handy for all kinds of things, picking locks, stabbing people in the eye, boobytraps and IEDs to mention just a few.

 

Apparently they're also quite useful for holding bits of paper together but who does printouts these days?

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[PostmodernPugilist]

So what are you saying? If I wish to quote the Bible I should quote the entire Bible? That would take up a lot of forum space and make it hard for people to understand which part was relevant to the topic at hand. Also, I think incest is irrelevant to the topic at hand. What are you implying with it? And no, it doesn't say that. Luke 6:31 records Jesus saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  from the NEW Testament.

 

 

I'm done now super is right.

I'm a bible scholar you can pm me if you want more. I simply meant use in context. If you live according to the old law you have to follow all of the rules.



Yes you got it Jesus said it right do as you would have them do to you not the other way. That's all I was saying.

Bye

 

 

Thanks, but no need. I went to a Christian school for 8 years and read it plenty there. Now I spend my Christian religious studies (I say this because Christian studies don't encompass the whole of my religious studies) learning about Christian history, like the formation of the Bible under Constantine at the Council of Nicea and things like the Gnostic Gospels and other texts left out of the Bible like The Book of Enoch and Jubilees. Great reads, btw. There's a more indepth telling of creation in Enoch I think all Christians should read. Biblical Astronomy is a fascination of mine as well. It's truly fascinating all the hidden details that once understood, can help with all kinds of prophecy, like where Christ predicts about the man with the water pitcher.  

 

Dear LL and KoT

 

Thanks for asking rhetorical questions!

 

Let me see

 

what's he saying? ...well it looks like he thinks that you were planning incest but I'm pretty sure you've never sunk that low.... are you and SuperSamSam related?

 

If you want to quote the Bible you'd have to quote the whole Bible? well you're welcome to do that but my editor will charge by the column inch so you'd better have a big pile of cash to hand. Wouldn't it be easier just to use the bit you need?

 

... and finally if you two want to go wave around your bible diplomas to see whose is biggest please go do it somewhere else

 

Hope this helps (really don't care but the code of Agony Aunts And Uncles says I have to act like I care)

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[HZ Noob]

Dear Aunty Pink,

 

  I keep wandering around town. I go into the taco shop, and I've not talked to more than 5 people when I see a man barge in and start shouting red letters at people, sometimes actually knocking them down with a wall of words. Then invariably another man dressed in green comes in to set the guy up for more repartee. I've experienced this almost everywhere I look around town. They even burst into my car in the car wash to go on a diatribe about an 80s hairband which I accidentally listened to while scanning the channels.

 

Also I have jaundice and I was hoping there's a chemical regiment I could take to alter my color and make me green like the hulk. Mind you I don't dislike the Jaundice, I would just rather be green.

 

Save me Aunty Pink you're my only hope!

~Forever noob

Edited by HZ Noob, 14 May 2015 - 02:06 PM.

[LittleOne]

Dear Aunty Pink

 

I heard that pink is the new black.  But I also heard that black is quite slimming, and I wore hot pink the other day but I don't know how slimming it was.  And if you wore rose colored glasses, which are kinda pink, you are suppose to look at the world better.

 

Well anyways, can we send all moody people to one team and name it "the moody people team"?

 

And do you like hot pink?

 

Sincerely,

 

Priscilla

[leapinglizard]

Dear aunt pink,

I am trying really I am, I can not figure out how to make sure that it is raining. I tried looking on the Internet, no luck. I watched the weather channel, they said a percentage like 80 but didn't let me know if it was currently raining. I walked outside and asked my neighbors but they just held their umbrellas and stared at me. I really want to know if it's raining right now.

Standing here really wet

Leapinglizard

[King of Thieves]

[Jagan]

Like a Boss!

[AngelicaSynn]

No, like a Bass!!

[King of Thieves]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

I like to browse the forums when I am doing missions or training and have nothing better to do. So it was hard for me not to notice that there's a whole forum section dedicated to a Hero Zero General. It's right at the top. I clicked the link and it took me to an area that seemed to do with everything but a Hero Zero General. Who is this General? Does he have a name? My father used to work directly under General Maxwell Taylor. That General had a name. Or is General his name?

 

I did a search on him in Google, but apparently he hides his information well or it's top secret classified of the highest level, because I was unable to bring up anything useful.

 

Is he a good guy or a villain? What's his purpose in HZ? Does he have an army or does he just call himself a General as a nifty title meant to inspire a false sense of fear and awe like the King of Thieves does? What are his goals and aspirations? Why does he not show himself? Does he pose a threat to HZ at large or is he a protector of the innocents? How do you even become a General in HZ? I never realized there was a standing army. Who does this General serve? What color is his uniform? How many stars does he rank? What are my chances as a villain to overthrow this General and do you have any tactical advice I could use? Does he have any weaknesses I could exploit? As a villain, should I be worried about him? Does he know my weaknesses, like my addiction to chocolate? How come he never shows his face? Does he even have a face or is he the leader of some faceless alien race like the ones who destroyed my last world? Is he even a he, or in these more modern times is he a she, or even a he/she?

 

Am I asking too many questions? 

 

It's just that I really want to know in case I need to be worried about him trying to take down my team of villains, or if taking him down would further my own goals.

 

Sincerely,

 

Just a guy trying to take over the world

 

 

This message was brought to you by Fuma Athletic Wear For Villains. 

 

 

When Being Bad Isn't Enough.

Fuma!

For The Villain In You!

"It's not enough to just be bad.

It's important to dress bad too."

 

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Aunty Pink

 

I heard that pink is the new black.  But I also heard that black is quite slimming, and I wore hot pink the other day but I don't know how slimming it was.  And if you wore rose colored glasses, which are kinda pink, you are suppose to look at the world better.

 

Well anyways, can we send all moody people to one team and name it "the moody people team"?

 

And do you like hot pink?

 

Sincerely,

 

Priscilla

 

Dear Priscilla

 

Thanks for asking!

 

I can't work out if you're calling me fat or hitting on me. Or both. 

 

Anyway, my headflames (like firestorm's but pink) aren't hot (luckily, have you any idea how expensive tungsten pillows are? #SuperheroWorldProblems)  so, I'm cool and pink. I like Cool Pink. Hot Pink's ok I guess but inconvenient if you like wearing hats or standing in a crowded train in rush hour. 

 

What was the other thing? Send everyone to one team and call it the moody blues? oh no that's a rock band. Actually I think this town is lacking a rock band. Let's get all the moody people to form one... although saying that Nirvana's got the market cornered there. 

 

So no, we can't move all the moody people to one team because we won't get any decent music out of them. Maybe we could move all the sad people to a single team and get some decent blues music out it* ?

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

 

*Listen to me .... "some decent blues music"...  ROFLMAO 

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Aunty Pink,

 

  I keep wandering around town. I go into the taco shop, and I've not talked to more than 5 people when I see a man barge in and start shouting red letters at people, sometimes actually knocking them down with a wall of words. Then invariably another man dressed in green comes in to set the guy up for more repartee. I've experienced this almost everywhere I look around town. They even burst into my car in the car wash to go on a diatribe about an 80s hairband which I accidentally listened to while scanning the channels.

 

Also I have jaundice and I was hoping there's a chemical regiment I could take to alter my color and make me green like the hulk. Mind you I don't dislike the Jaundice, I would just rather be green.

 

Save me Aunty Pink you're my only hope!

~Forever noob

 

 

Dear Noob

 

Thanks for asking!

 

Well, this is one that Aunty Pink hasn't seen before... 

 

Red... Green... Yellow but you'd like to be Green... 

 

OK, first up, if guys disturb you while you're trying to buy tacos, hit them. It's just a rule. Don't disrespect the taco. You gotta eat them hot. Tell those guys to go fight in Nandos (this would be an immense relief to anyone in there as it would spare them actually having to eat the stuff Nandos sells. "cheeky" my ass, "nauseating" is closer to the truth).

 

Secondly, you wanna be the Hulk and who can blame you? Straight fight between Batman and Hulk, well ok Batman would win, but mostly Hulk wins. 

 

You're yellow and jaundiced, so the best advice I can give you is to get out more. Oddly enough I give a lot of my correspondents that advice ("Seriously. Get out more." ) but on this occasion it's health based advice.  Sunlight will help clear up the jaundice. It won't make you the Hulk, or green, but it will charge up your powers if you're superman. If not, you'll need to go down the chemical route to go green... or the ecological.

 

SECTION REMOVED FOR LEGAL REASONS

[PINK we have discussed this, you cannot give "Agony Aunt" advice that would kill people. Not even when they say they want to go green. And I've checked this with our legal team and 2 independent GPs and they all say "it'd kill him". This is your last warning. Ed.]

 

 

OK!! fine. If you want to go green find out about local recycling schemes, turn the thermostat down a bit, use energy saving lightbulbs and don't leave the tap running while you brush your teeth. There you go. Best I can do. Goddamn lawyers.

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear aunt pink,

I am trying really I am, I can not figure out how to make sure that it is raining. I tried looking on the Internet, no luck. I watched the weather channel, they said a percentage like 80 but didn't let me know if it was currently raining. I walked outside and asked my neighbors but they just held their umbrellas and stared at me. I really want to know if it's raining right now.

Standing here really wet

Leapinglizard

 

 

Dear Leapinglizard

 

Thanks for asking!

 

Are you completely stupid? I mean what do you think the Google weather app is for on your phone? switch it on man! Then wipe the water droplets off your screen and check what the background on your email looks like. If it's grey and rainy - it's raining!  Simples!

 

If you're one of those flash gits with an iPhone you're on your own and serve you right. Look on their appstore for something like iWeather or iShouldn'tBeAllowedOutOnMyOwn and figure it out for yourself.

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear King of Thieves

 

We've discussed this. No more "personal adds" in my Agony Aunty column. We have a lonely hearts column go there, and pay their fees.

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[PostmodernPugilist]

Like a Boss!

 

 

No, like a Bass!!

 

 

 

Oh don't you two encourage him

 

you'll have the Editor moaning again at the staff meeting

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

I like to browse the forums when I am doing missions or training and have nothing better to do. So it was hard for me not to notice that there's a whole forum section dedicated to a Hero Zero General. It's right at the top. I clicked the link and it took me to an area that seemed to do with everything but a Hero Zero General. Who is this General? Does he have a name? My father used to work directly under General Maxwell Taylor. That General had a name. Or is General his name?

 

I did a search on him in Google, but apparently he hides his information well or it's top secret classified of the highest level, because I was unable to bring up anything useful.

 

Is he a good guy or a villain? What's his purpose in HZ? Does he have an army or does he just call himself a General as a nifty title meant to inspire a false sense of fear and awe like the King of Thieves does? What are his goals and aspirations? Why does he not show himself? Does he pose a threat to HZ at large or is he a protector of the innocents? How do you even become a General in HZ? I never realized there was a standing army. Who does this General serve? What color is his uniform? How many stars does he rank? What are my chances as a villain to overthrow this General and do you have any tactical advice I could use? Does he have any weaknesses I could exploit? As a villain, should I be worried about him? Does he know my weaknesses, like my addiction to chocolate? How come he never shows his face? Does he even have a face or is he the leader of some faceless alien race like the ones who destroyed my last world? Is he even a he, or in these more modern times is he a she, or even a he/she?

 

Am I asking too many questions? 

 

It's just that I really want to know in case I need to be worried about him trying to take down my team of villains, or if taking him down would further my own goals.

 

Sincerely,

 

Just a guy trying to take over the world

 

 

This message was brought to you by Fuma Athletic Wear For Villains. 

 

 

When Being Bad Isn't Enough.

Fuma!

For The Villain In You!

"It's not enough to just be bad.

It's important to dress bad too."

 

 

 

Dear Fuma

 

Thank you for placing your advertising with us once more. We do hope that Fuma Athletic Wear For Villains is selling well.

 

We will be invoicing you with our usual fine for advertising inserted within the Agony Aunt column. Please place all future advertising requests with our advertising department. We are extremely vigilant about "free advertising" through our newspaper and will always catch you.

 

Yours sincerely 

 

The Editor

Humphreydale Gazette Editor-in-Chief

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

I like to browse the forums when I am doing missions or training and have nothing better to do. So it was hard for me not to notice that there's a whole forum section dedicated to a Hero Zero General. It's right at the top. I clicked the link and it took me to an area that seemed to do with everything but a Hero Zero General. Who is this General? Does he have a name? My father used to work directly under General Maxwell Taylor. That General had a name. Or is General his name?

 

I did a search on him in Google, but apparently he hides his information well or it's top secret classified of the highest level, because I was unable to bring up anything useful.

 

Is he a good guy or a villain? What's his purpose in HZ? Does he have an army or does he just call himself a General as a nifty title meant to inspire a false sense of fear and awe like the King of Thieves does? What are his goals and aspirations? Why does he not show himself? Does he pose a threat to HZ at large or is he a protector of the innocents? How do you even become a General in HZ? I never realized there was a standing army. Who does this General serve? What color is his uniform? How many stars does he rank? What are my chances as a villain to overthrow this General and do you have any tactical advice I could use? Does he have any weaknesses I could exploit? As a villain, should I be worried about him? Does he know my weaknesses, like my addiction to chocolate? How come he never shows his face? Does he even have a face or is he the leader of some faceless alien race like the ones who destroyed my last world? Is he even a he, or in these more modern times is he a she, or even a he/she?

 

Am I asking too many questions? 

 

It's just that I really want to know in case I need to be worried about him trying to take down my team of villains, or if taking him down would further my own goals.

 

Sincerely,

 

Just a guy trying to take over the world

 

 

This message was brought to you by Fuma Athletic Wear For Villains. 

 

 

When Being Bad Isn't Enough.

Fuma!

For The Villain In You!

"It's not enough to just be bad.

It's important to dress bad too."

 

 

 

Dear King of Thieves

 

Thanks for asking!

 

The Hero Zero General is an elusive character. She (and yes she's a "She") specialises in intelligence... military and otherwise. She has fingers in every pies and spies in every corner and whole bunch of other corny metaphors. 

 

It's rumoured that Hero Zero General knows what a superhero is.... that she has special intel on Bruce Aree and Chinaal....and other heroes.... possibly LeapingLizard, others say she has an interest in you. One thing you should be aware of, she holds a list of the fallen from Villains Inc itself. Have you got a HZ General spy in your midst?

 

is the Hero Zero General a threat to you? Possibly. Her intentions are unclear...  but she will rob you of your time whilst pretending to share her knowledge with you...  

 

You asked about what she looks like, hard to say... she's never been known to look the same twice... there's always some subtle difference in her appearance, and no I'm not saying she changes her lipstick regularly, jeeze it's the 21st century.... She hides in plain sight. You can be studying her intently whilst not realising she's right in front of you. 

 

I'm not sharing her tactical weaknesses with you, what do I look stupid?. This is because I don't know them and not because I'm terrified of what she'd do to me if she found out.

 

She serves the Editor, as do we all... Well I say "serve" I don't serve anyone, I work for cold hard cash it's different. Just cos I jump when he says "jump" doesn't mean I'm someone's servant. Whatever..

 

Do what you want, you usually do. I'm not taking responsibility if you decide to take down Hero Zero General and get your arse kicked to kingdom come.

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink