175 replies to this topic

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Aunty Pink.

 

Has reality shifted or have I got lost? I swear I remember towering.... errrr towers of something (not sure but certain they had 6 dimensions), mighty engines of destruction with evil aliens. Now I'm getting splattered by young children (when did they become tough?) and spend a lot of time in a garage staring at things (not even able to use my pseudo-amilchanker or get it to detach without fainting). Should I take medication? Will the kids stop pointing & laughing? Will the universe ever make sense again!

 

Yours

 

A Refugee from the alternative 8th D continuum.  

Dear A 

Can I call you A? I'm going to call you A.

 

Thanks for asking!

 

Tell me about it... Last thing I remember I was fighting a big dark nothingness in space then boom! a bomb blew up in my face or something and here I was... not as strong (still haven't died so don't know if I come back from the dead anymore, and no headflames!!! I miss my headflames  

 

Anyway, the coffee is terrible although perhaps that's not a surprise... we're none of us as powerful as we were and kids are kicking sand in our faces and smearing chocolate on our capes. (speaking of which.... when did I decide a cape was a good idea? I thought Hero 101 said "No capes!" .... 

 

good news is the old gang is hanging out together, bad news is it's in Buckeye's garage... let me put it like this... You know how he was a demon? remember how they smell of sulfur? well I think all his demonic essence manifested in his odd socks... which he keeps in the garage. Whatever. come by. Bring better coffee if you can find it.

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[Despaira]

Dear Aunty Pink, 

 

                          As a megalomaniacal self-proclaimed Queen of Werewolves and Despair, I am always getting frustrated by how my gift of lycanthropy is primarily received. Sure the idea of being mauled by a terrifying 9ft beast full of fangs and claws can be off putting at first but the benefits afterwards far outweigh the initial pain and possible death through disembowelment. 

                         Let's face it, some people really deserve to be torn limb from limb, and there is no better excuse that not being able to remember doing it because of the blood lust in transformation. Also you get to stay out all night, meet interesting people and possibly kill them. You can eat as much red meat as you like without ever gaining a pound and constantly get to go shopping for new clothes. 

 

                          My question, Aunty Pink, is how can I get prey to accept my gift willingly and to stop all this trying to run from me nonsense? I am getting too old to have to chase them down and I was never one who enjoyed fast food. 

 

[PostmodernPugilist]

 

Dear Aunty Pink, 

 

                          As a megalomaniacal self-proclaimed Queen of Werewolves and Despair, I am always getting frustrated by how my gift of lycanthropy is primarily received. Sure the idea of being mauled by a terrifying 9ft beast full of fangs and claws can be off putting at first but the benefits afterwards far outweigh the initial pain and possible death through disembowelment. 

                         Let's face it, some people really deserve to be torn limb from limb, and there is no better excuse that not being able to remember doing it because of the blood lust in transformation. Also you get to stay out all night, meet interesting people and possibly kill them. You can eat as much red meat as you like without ever gaining a pound and constantly get to go shopping for new clothes. 

 

                          My question, Aunty Pink, is how can I get prey to accept my gift willingly and to stop all this trying to run from me nonsense? I am getting too old to have to chase them down and I was never one who enjoyed fast food. 

 

 

 

Dear Despaira

 

Thanks for asking!

 

Now personally, I've always said the only good werewolf is a dead werewolf. I'm not being racist, I feel that way about all the Creatures of the Night, and most humans frankly. And the less said about those bloody interfering do-gooders the saints and angels the better. 

 

Anyway. The Code of Agony Aunts which says I should answer all queries fairly and impartially I will happily ignore but cold hard cash speaks loudly and this gig with the Humphreydale Gazette is the only job I've got. ("legal job" anyway). For some reason no-one's hiring my security services can you believe it? 

 

 

Anyway. So you want to find a way to encourage people to actually want to be rent limb from limb with possible resurrection as an undead lycanthrope afterwards?

 

Well, when in doubt look to the experts that's what I always say. And the experts in this case are the vampires. Now you and I know they are murderous arrogant scum who look on humanity as a bunch of unmilked cows. But they have done a stand-up PR job convincing humanity that they are nothing but tortured romantic souls with a mild addiction easily managed if they find The Right One, the One True Partner all that blah blah blah. Couple of squirrels and True Love's Kiss and you're good. 

 

Now I admit the whole "eternal youth and beauty" part of the offer is going to be a struggle but there are women and men who prefer the hirsute look... so there's your angle "Live Forever, Guaranteed a Perfect Beard/ A Lover With The Perfect Beard" ... throw some glitter over yourself so you sparkle and talk a load of BS about how "misunderstood" you are.... maybe find some hack who can knock out some low-grade romantic trash with a name like "Evening" or "Getting A Bit Dark Now" and you'll be sorted.

 

 

Actually, for the right money I'll write that book for you. (WHAT? Principles are all well and good but they don't pay the rent. And have you SEEN the price of water melons lately? Of course I'll still kill you if you get in my way but my main beef is with those stuck up knobs the vampires so we're good. Think it over).

 

 

Hope this helps!

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[AngelicaSynn]

Dear Aunty Pink, 

 

I need some moral guidance here.  

 

Yesterday, I swiped a few electronic components from an un-used (and possibly unusable) toaster oven...

 

I completely forgot to even offer to pay for them.  

 

I have completed the design of a communications device which I believe will benefit myself, my "club", and eventually may revolutionize smart-phone technology.

 

So... my dilemma is this, does a smidge of petty pilfering outweigh the good my upgraded tech will bring to assist myself and others?

 

please answer ASAP...

 

AS

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Aunty Pink, 

 

I need some moral guidance here.  

 

Yesterday, I swiped a few electronic components from an un-used (and possibly unusable) toaster oven...

 

I completely forgot to even offer to pay for them.  

 

I have completed the design of a communications device which I believe will benefit myself, my "club", and eventually may revolutionize smart-phone technology.

 

So... my dilemma is this, does a smidge of petty pilfering outweigh the good my upgraded tech will bring to assist myself and others?

 

please answer ASAP...

 

AS

 

Dear AS

 

Thanks for asking!

 

What is this moral dilemma?  I can't see any moral dilemma here. You took something that some guy had left lying around.... well clearly if he doesn't make some effort to stop you taking it he can't really mind if you do.

 

That's the rule I've always lived by anyway. And so far no-one's really managed to stop me taking anything, those cheap burglar alarms, the locked doors, padlocks all that stuff haven't succeeded so I figure people must want me to have their money, jewellery, multi-dimensional portals all that. Jolly nice of them too. People forget how kind and sharing other people are. 

 

Anyway, if Ive got this right you swiped that toaster oven because you wanted to share your technical know-how and whoever it's original owner was didn't mind you having it, else he'd've actually locked his basement door so as far as I can see there's no crime committed and no harm done..

 

You really do make life complicated for yourself with this concept of honour, right and wrong, honesty... I don't get it at all. 

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[PostmodernPugilist]

It's as though no-one wants advice anymore... Everyone knows how to get stains out of clothing and cheese off of toasters... Zombie Control has sobered up and with the lighter moderating policy no-one feels the need to get in a sly dig at their least favourite moderator....

 

Aunty Pink's work here is done. No-one's even asking dating advice any more. (Like I'd know. I don't date. Much simpler and no arguing over the remote control). 

 

You don't need me... I'm so happy

... but ... if you're stuck puzzled or confused about life,  morality or mysterious grease spots... Aunty Pink will always be here for you.

[leapinglizard]

I have just one single question.I wish I had more but if you could answer it I would appreciate it.
In the answer a question with a question thread. What is a question? Can you provide examples? Is there a really good question I could post in there? I don't know if I am confused? How can I tell? Is this a sign of a stroke? When can I expect a answer? Do you provide all the answers yourself or do you have staff? Oh and do you know abby? ( from dear abby, she now has a restraining order against me I can't ask her for anymore advice).

Thanks?
Leapinglizard?

[PostmodernPugilist]

I have just one single question.I wish I had more but if you could answer it I would appreciate it.
In the answer a question with a question thread. What is a question? Can you provide examples? Is there a really good question I could post in there? I don't know if I am confused? How can I tell? Is this a sign of a stroke? When can I expect a answer? Do you provide all the answers yourself or do you have staff? Oh and do you know abby? ( from dear abby, she now has a restraining order against me I can't ask her for anymore advice).

Thanks?
Leapinglizard?

Dear Leapinglizard

 

Thanks for asking! 

(not really but the Code of Agony Aunts requires I sound like I care)

 

In the answer a question with a question thread: a question is a phrase of words that inquires for information and ends with one of these nifty things "?" The "?" indicates it's a question to help the terminally stupid and illiterate. Frequently people make a statement and add the word "right?"which in my opinion is lazy but whatever. Like I care. 

 

Can I provide examples? What am I your scriptwriter? Are you just trying to get me to give you some questions so you don't have to make them up Mr Posts A Lot In That Thread? Are you struggling or something? Go write your own. 

 

Is there a really good question you could post in there? I'm sure there is. Go write it! 

 

If you don't know if you're confused I don't know how you'd expect me to know I'm not telepathic. Go figure it out. Or get a shrink. 

 

How can you tell? See above. 

 

Is it a sign of a stroke? Aunty Pink doesn't do making jokes about people who've had strokes, it's a serious medical issue, which can kill or permanently disable people. 

 

When can you expect an answer? Look they pay peanuts round here. At least that's what they claim. Aunty Pink has yet to see the peanuts show up so I write my column when I feel like it. you can expect your answer when you see it. 

 

I provide all the answers myself since Zombie Control quit on me. I lost a good (well I say "good" actually "Drunken oaf") writer there, but at least I can sit on my chair without having to disinfect it first. Why are you looking for a job? You're in, I'll pay you 50% of my non-existent peanuts. Start today. Answer this leapinglizard clown would you? 

 

I must admit that Abby and I have met at the Annual Agony Aunt And Uncle Adventure in Alburqueque but we fell out. Unfortunately the matter is sub judice and I can comment no further. 

 

Hope this helps!

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[King of Thieves]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

In the last world I was on, I lost the love of my life. Something so dark and evil had filled her heart so deeply that even my bad self couldn't hardly stand her anymore. So off I went cosmos trotting the universe to find a cure. But once I had gotten back, I discovered I was to late and the heroes of that world had successfully plotted to murder her. I was devastated. I tried to end my own existence but instead was reincarnated on this new world, now populated with other familiar faces from the old. 

 

 

I've been trying to pick up the pieces and start anew. But what's a King w/o a Queen? (And I don't mean the Freddie Mercury kind!) So now I'm off in search of true love! The problem though is I've been stabbed by my affections for a woman before. Literally. There was this one time a gal shoved a katana through my back. When she finally pulled it out......... It was like a week later.............. my heart was still clinging to the blade. Then the wench sold it on EBAY! The heart, not the sword. She kept that..........

 

To make matters worse, the Shadow Lord bought it with a winning bid of like 50 cents and used the heart to control me like a puppet till I managed to steal it back! I've since locked it in a vault for safe keeping.

 

So I guess my question is how can a King of a criminal empire go about finding a worthy Queen w/o losing my heart and being used like a puppet? 

 

Well, that and more importantly, what's the best way to go about marketing my new line of athletic wear specially designed for villains on the go?

 

 

 

(It's true. The whole finding true love bit was just a ruse to get your audience to empathize with me so I could plug my new merchandise. What can I say? I'm shameless.)

 

Your's truly,

(Not really. It's just another ruse, you heart stealing, Ebay selling, back stabbing wench! And I want my katana back!)

 

Heartless Bass Turd

Edited by King of Thieves, 03 May 2015 - 05:45 AM.
Sorry, No You Tube Videos Allowed

[SuperSamSam]

Dear Aunty Pink, 

 

I'm the queen of bad choices. I choose to help the most desperate cases. Really, if you give me a donkey, tell me that it's the Ultimate villain, and he has " Impossible" tattooed on his forehead ; my reaction will be " There is still good in him. " 

 

During one of my attempts to save my little broken-hearted devils, I feel in wuvv with a sorcerer. 

I will not fall into the details, but he cursed me when I wanted out of our abusive relationship.

 

At the time, I thought his curse was ridiculous. " Thou will always puke rainbows near what thou eyes cherish. "

 

That curse destructed me as a human being... Heroes aren't always comprehending when you puke rainbows on their shoes. 

*sighs* 

 

So recently, I adopted a little new little dog . It's disgustingly cute. I think I puked rainbows at least three times, before to be able to stand 10 feet from him. 

 

I'm allergic to cuteness, and that little thing is full of it. I can't let him go, he is the most stable relationship I had in a while. 

 

Help me

 

With all my wuvv,

SuperSamSam

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Aunty Pink, 

 

I'm the queen of bad choices. I choose to help the most desperate cases. Really, if you give me a donkey, tell me that it's the Ultimate villain, and he has " Impossible" tattooed on his forehead ; my reaction will be " There is still good in him. " 

 

During one of my attempts to save my little broken-hearted devils, I feel in wuvv with a sorcerer. 

I will not fall into the details, but he cursed me when I wanted out of our abusive relationship.

 

At the time, I thought his curse was ridiculous. " Thou will always puke rainbows near what thou eyes cherish. "

 

That curse destructed me as a human being... Heroes aren't always comprehending when you puke rainbows on their shoes. 

*sighs* 

 

So recently, I adopted a little new little dog . It's disgustingly cute. I think I puked rainbows at least three times, before to be able to stand 10 feet from him. 

 

I'm allergic to cuteness, and that little thing is full of it. I can't let him go, he is the most stable relationship I had in a while. 

 

Help me

 

With all my wuvv,

SuperSamSam

 

 

 

Dear SuperSamSam

 

Thanks for asking!

 

You have the weirdest condition I've ever heard of. To be frank, Auntie Pink tends to avoid magic and magicians and I'm inclined to say  "serves you right" ... but I'm paid by the answer so here goes

 

 

Rule 1) DON'T ever date magicians! that should be obvious. They are miserable moody gits, most of them, and frankly so self-obsessed they make the Kardashians look normal. 

Rule 2) If you must date one DONT FREAKING DUMP HIM/HER. There is no way that scenario ends well

 

Rule 3) If you are desperate to get out of a relationship with one hire a hero to kill him. Do Not skimp on the hiring costs here, in this situation that's a false economy as a cheap hero is likely to be an ineffective one and you need this method to work first time as otherwise you are going to WISH you were puking rainbows.

 

So, seeing as you've already ignored Rules 1 and 2 I can only suggest you go for Rule 3. Get the toughest, smartest strongest hero or heroine you can find, spend as much as it takes, put on the full sob story boo hoo routine and hope they get lucky. Otherwise you'll probably be looking back on puking rainbows as "the good old days".

 

 

Hope this helps!

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

 

PS. to clarify, Aunty Pink is not a hero, does not hire out to kill magicians and is mysteriously unavailable right now.

 

PPS. Not you, Power Bottom. you're not like those other magicians. you're nice. ;-) 

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

In the last world I was on, I lost the love of my life. Something so dark and evil had filled her heart so deeply that even my bad self couldn't hardly stand her anymore. So off I went cosmos trotting the universe to find a cure. But once I had gotten back, I discovered I was to late and the heroes of that world had successfully plotted to murder her. I was devastated. I tried to end my own existence but instead was reincarnated on this new world, now populated with other familiar faces from the old. 

 

 

I've been trying to pick up the pieces and start anew. But what's a King w/o a Queen? (And I don't mean the Freddie Mercury kind!) So now I'm off in search of true love! The problem though is I've been stabbed by my affections for a woman before. Literally. There was this one time a gal shoved a katana through my back. When she finally pulled it out......... It was like a week later.............. my heart was still clinging to the blade. Then the wench sold it on EBAY! The heart, not the sword. She kept that..........

 

To make matters worse, the Shadow Lord bought it with a winning bid of like 50 cents and used the heart to control me like a puppet till I managed to steal it back! I've since locked it in a vault for safe keeping.

 

So I guess my question is how can a King of a criminal empire go about finding a worthy Queen w/o losing my heart and being used like a puppet? 

 

Well, that and more importantly, what's the best way to go about marketing my new line of athletic wear specially designed for villains on the go?

 

 

 

(It's true. The whole finding true love bit was just a ruse to get your audience to empathize with me so I could plug my new merchandise. What can I say? I'm shameless.)

 

Your's truly,

(Not really. It's just another ruse, you heart stealing, Ebay selling, back stabbing wench! And I want my katana back!)

 

Heartless Bass Turd

 

Dear Heartless... . 

 

Thanks for asking!

 

Blimey you go on a bit don't you? ... let's see

 

 

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

In the last world I was on, I lost the love of my life. Something so dark and evil had filled her heart so deeply that even my bad self couldn't hardly stand her anymore. So off I went cosmos trotting the universe to find a cure. But once I had gotten back, I discovered I was to late and the heroes of that world had successfully plotted to murder her. I was devastated.  

 

Get over it. You can bet she would've.

 

 

 

Blah blah blah   The problem though is I've been stabbed by my affections for a woman before. Literally. There was this one time a gal shoved a katana through my back. When she finally pulled it out......... It was like a week later.............. my heart was still clinging to the blade. Then the wench sold it on EBAY! The heart, not the sword. She kept that..........

 

To make matters worse, the Shadow Lord bought it with a winning bid of like 50 cents and used the heart to control me like a puppet till I managed to steal it back! I've since locked it in a vault for safe keeping. 

whine whine whine

Your's truly,

(Not really. It's just another ruse, you heart stealing, Ebay selling, back stabbing wench! And I want my katana back!)

 

Heartless Bass Turd

 

 

 

 

 

are you STILL going on about that? That was like, YEARS ago. Get, Over, It, 

And that katana is mine. Theft is 9/10 of the law or something. you lost it. Get over it, 

 

 

 

 

 

So I guess my question is how can a King of a criminal empire go about finding a worthy Queen w/o losing my heart and being used like a puppet? 

 

 

 

Why would you want to? Jeezoh living on your own is way more fun. Total control of the remote, no-one complaining when you order in pizza and frankly if you want to avoid being manipulated getting into a relationship is counter productive. What kind of woman hooks up with a criminal mastermind? A wimpy brainless sap or a manipulative would-be Queen of a criminal empire who can't be arsed to make her own... yeah. forget it basically.

 

 

 

Well, that and more importantly, what's the best way to go about marketing my new line of athletic wear specially designed for villains on the go?

 

 

 

(It's true. The whole finding true love bit was just a ruse to get your audience to empathize with me so I could plug my new merchandise. What can I say? I'm shameless.)

 

 

Our accounts manager will be sending you a bill for the shameless plug in my column (charged at our standard per column inch rate + 10% fine for not pre-arranging) and our editor will be in touch to discuss your future advertising requirements.

 

hope this helps

 

Whatever

Stop stalking me

 

Aunty Pink

[PowerBottom]

Dear Auntie Pink;

Thank you for the shout out in your advice to SuperSamSam

Since that put me in a good mood I'll chime in, even though up till now I always thought Puking Rainbows was the opening act for Offspring.

Your advice while extreme, is unfortunately fairly accurate, however I suggest If you choose a fatal option when ending a relationship with a magic user, that you burn the corpse, salt the ashes and scatter them on some sort of holy ground unless you enjoy some sort of undead monstrosity boiling bunnies on your porch.

 

Regarding SamSam's Curse, " Thou will always puke rainbows near what thou eyes cherish. " 

Despite the shoddy craftpersonship, it is obviously an "until you find true love spell." Ugh so late 90's Ditsney cartoon magic.

Assuming you can't get a relative to sell you into indentured servitude with an ensorcelled Beaste, or Crawl the swamp until you locate a noble person in amphibian drag, I suggest the whole listen to your heart, beauty is only skin deep, its the person inside who counts (Figuratively, for the metaphorically impaired) routine.

When you find your one true love the spell should be broken.

Or get hypnotherapy so that your eyes cherish hidden treasure so that you technicolor yawn around hidden valuables instead of underwear models.

Have a great day and dont forget to stop by RAINBOWS for a drink.

Oh yeah I'm supposed to ask a question.

The kids miss their Auntie Pink can you babysit Saturday? Their Daddies want some grown up wrestling, er sorry I meant date night. 

  

[SuperSamSam]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

How can I find true love ? 

I gave up on that quest years ago, but it seems like it's the only remedy for my condition. 

Yes, true love. Not ownership, affection, or attraction. Not a mix of those things. Not an abusive relationship.

 

Just love. 

 

With all my wuvv, 

SuperSamSam,

Yours truly

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

How can I find true love ? 

I gave up on that quest years ago, but it seems like it's the only remedy for my condition. 

Yes, true love. Not ownership, affection, or attraction. Not a mix of those things. Not an abusive relationship.

 

Just love. 

 

With all my wuvv, 

SuperSamSam,

Yours truly

 

Dear SuperSamSam

 

Thanks for asking!

 

I personally favour "loving myself" in the words of the song "learning to love myself was the greatest love of all" and I recommend that. 

 

I have never found true love with a human being but I presume it's like shopping for a car?

 

So: read a lot of reviews online about the person before walking into the garage.

 

NEVER buy new, no matter how attractive the younger model seems, you need time to let a car shake down and for those annoying little faults to emerge. A good quality second hand dealer is much cheaper and will probably offer as good a warranty as the brand new place -and tbh you're more likely to be able to take advantage of it as parts will wear out before the warranty does (unlike the new one).

 

Don't buy the insurance on site, you're bound to get a better deal online.  Don't skimp on that, you never know when the spare replacement car clause in comprehensive insurance may come in handy.

 

DO take it for a three day test spin before you commit and don't ever go any further if they're not willing to give you the test drive. 

 

I personally think Manual is far and away the better format for a car but if you prefer automatic don't be afraid to ask the dealer.

 

Never ever pay their asking price, beat them down a bit. Take a friend with you to do the "oh come on let's go elsewhere" routine if they won't budge on price. 

 

hope this helps!

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

 

So I guess my question is how can a King of a criminal empire go about finding a worthy Queen w/o losing my heart and being used like a puppet? 

 

 

Heartless Bass Turd

 

 

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

How can I find true love ? 

I gave up on that quest years ago, but it seems like it's the only remedy for my condition. 

Yes, true love. Not ownership, affection, or attraction. Not a mix of those things. Not an abusive relationship.

 

Just love. 

 

With all my wuvv, 

SuperSamSam,

Yours truly

 

 

Dear SuperSamSam and King of Thieves

 

Do you think I should set up a dating agency?

 

Just a thought

 

Also maybe if you two hook up you could stop pestering me and ONE of you could stop GOING ON about some little fight he lost like 2 or 3 years ago

 

Aunty Pink 

[PowerBottom]

Hi all. Please forgive the hijacking of Auntie Pink's Column; but I feel that the current line of inquiry is more up my alley (if you'll pardon the phrase) than hers.

Dear Heartless and SuperSamSam, Thanks SOOOOOooooooo much for asking, pull up a stool, have a drink, and pay attention.

SamSam,
To find true love you must first love yourself and find yourself worthy. (watch the current crop of Ditsney movies for further info i.e. Ensnared or Frigid) and be open to new ideas. Love may find you when you least expect it.

Heartless, Try to revisit old ideas in new ways. If at first you don't succeed get back on the horse and and all that. Don't dismiss puppetry yet. Lenny and I quite enjoy playing puppet.

 

 images.jpg   9.41KB   1 downloads
 

 

I suggest you both try to be open to new ideas and help each other find love. Heartless perhaps send SuperSamSam a body part and a weapon , since that is how you like to announce your intentions. I prefer Flowers and Chocolate but to each their own.

Anyway, Pink can have her column back, I like them better attached anyway.

Good luck and dont forget to tip your bartender.

Oh yeah, Auntie Pink the Kids want to know if you'll teach them to pick locks while you sit this weekend?

[SuperSamSam]

Dear Auntie Pink ( and PowerBottom too apparently  :lol:  ) , 

 

I can assure you that I love myself  :lol: ... a lot. 

 

Far from self-centered, I acknowledge my vices and my goodness. I try my best. 

I'm starting to think that true love is trying to hide from all my confidence  .

One way...or the other, I'll find it. 

 

I wouldn't mind receiving a weapon, just make sure there is no blood stains on it. 

 

Now tell me, isn't that true love only possible in Disney movies ? 

 

So far, that is what I came to understand. 

 

Also, the problem with cars is that they never change... Isn't that going against the whole " grow old together " disney theory ? 

 

With a tinsy bit of humor, 

SuperSamSam 

[King of Thieves]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

After reading your advice, I think I finally found someone worthy of my true love! Like me, she is a ninja! She's an ebony haired vixen with skin as dark as my soul! Never before have I seen such a beauty! And her eyes! Oh, her eyes! They glow with the intensity of two nuclear explosions as seen from space.................Her only flaw is she hates turtles............. Who could hate turtles?  And she thinks I'm funny. Not the PowerBottom kind of funny. The kind that has me daydreaming of us laughing uncontrollable, maniacal laughter. Like when I was in grade school and kidnapped all the pokemon from those crying children, only to ransom them back for extra soups during lunch. Oh what a glorious day of villainy that was! 

 

But there's only one problem...... OK, maybe two.

 

The first is I don't know if she even knows I exist (I know I already said she thinks I'm funny, but that might just be a figment of my overly active imagination.) or even if she'd have me. She's a hero after all, and I'm a villain...............

 

The second problem is, even if she did know of me and was earnest in returning my affections, we are separated by the very fabric of time and space that divides one dimension from another. The only recourse I see to changing this is employing a wizard....... and we all know what treacherous ground one walks when dealing with a wizard. The last time I tried to span dimensions and a wizard was involved, all he kept saying was "You shall not pass!" over and over............. It was sooooo annoying that I finally just killed him, only to discover he had returned later, even more powerful than before, like Obi Wan! But with a longer beard and an even worse style of dress. At least..... I think that was a dress. He kept claiming it was a robe, but I don't know........ I have my suspicions. You know how...... funny...... wizards can be. Like that Potter lad, who kept denying that cute Hermione girl his affections whilst giving all his spare time to that boy Ron. What a twist of fate that he would lose them both to each other.

 

The only sorcerer I might trust would be PowerBottom, but he keeps tapping me on the tush and well,..... truth be told, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. When I told him I would stab him with my sword if he touched me like that again, he said, "Don't tease me. I like it rough." before winking and blowing me a kiss. He made my threats feel impotent and emasculated. Also, he keeps trying to get me to wear some kind of hat. 

 

So how, Auntie Pink, shall I ever be united with my one true love........ Well,........ Ok,...... My 3rd one true love............ not including kookey comedic drama and old musicals...........I guess that would make her my 5th one true love........ For even the gods plot against me to separate us, one from the other, with the very fabric of time and space! How can I defeat the Fates without rendering myself impotent and weak as a new born child, forced to start over, naked as a jaybird in a world younger than my own, yet foreign and alien to me like no other? Why, Auntie Pink? WHY MUST THE FATES BE SO CRUEL? WHYYYYYYYYYY???? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????

 

 

Your's Truly,

 

Victim of Fate, and Ridiculously Long and Horrendously Bad Dialog

 

P.S. Sales on my line of athletic wear have doubled since my last entry. I can't thank you enough! I wasn't sure I'd ever sell that second pair of shoes.

 

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

After reading your advice, I think I finally found someone worthy of my true love! Like me, she is a ninja! She's an ebony haired vixen with skin as dark as my soul! Never before have I seen such a beauty! And her eyes! Oh, her eyes! They glow with the intensity of two nuclear explosions as seen from space.................Her only flaw is she hates turtles............. Who could hate turtles?  And she thinks I'm funny. Not the PowerBottom kind of funny. The kind that has me daydreaming of us laughing uncontrollable, maniacal laughter. Like when I was in grade school and kidnapped all the pokemon from those crying children, only to ransom them back for extra soups during lunch. Oh what a glorious day of villainy that was! 

 

But there's only one problem...... OK, maybe two.

 

The first is I don't know if she even knows I exist (I know I already said she thinks I'm funny, but that might just be a figment of my overly active imagination.) or even if she'd have me. She's a hero after all, and I'm a villain...............

 

The second problem is, even if she did know of me and was earnest in returning my affections, we are separated by the very fabric of time and space that divides one dimension from another. The only recourse I see to changing this is employing a wizard....... and we all know what treacherous ground one walks when dealing with a wizard. The last time I tried to span dimensions and a wizard was involved, all he kept saying was "You shall not pass!" over and over............. It was sooooo annoying that I finally just killed him, only to discover he had returned later, even more powerful than before, like Obi Wan! But with a longer beard and an even worse style of dress. At least..... I think that was a dress. He kept claiming it was a robe, but I don't know........ I have my suspicions. You know how...... funny...... wizards can be. Like that Potter lad, who kept denying that cute Hermione girl his affections whilst giving all his spare time to that boy Ron. What a twist of fate that he would lose them both to each other.

 

The only sorcerer I might trust would be PowerBottom, but he keeps tapping me on the tush and well,..... truth be told, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. When I told him I would stab him with my sword if he touched me like that again, he said, "Don't tease me. I like it rough." before winking and blowing me a kiss. He made my threats feel impotent and emasculated. Also, he keeps trying to get me to wear some kind of hat. 

 

So how, Auntie Pink, shall I ever be united with my one true love........ Well,........ Ok,...... My 3rd one true love............ not including kookey comedic drama and old musicals...........I guess that would make her my 5th one true love........ For even the gods plot against me to separate us, one from the other, with the very fabric of time and space! How can I defeat the Fates without rendering myself impotent and weak as a new born child, forced to start over, naked as a jaybird in a world younger than my own, yet foreign and alien to me like no other? Why, Auntie Pink? WHY MUST THE FATES BE SO CRUEL? WHYYYYYYYYYY???? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????

 

 

Your's Truly,

 

Victim of Fate, and Ridiculously Long and Horrendously Bad Dialog

 

P.S. Sales on my line of athletic wear have doubled since my last entry. I can't thank you enough! I wasn't sure I'd ever sell that second pair of shoes.

 

 

 

Dear King of Thieves

 

thanks for asking!

 

I think.

 

Anyway you go on a lot and I can't be bothered to read it. Let's see...

 

I think you must have the wrong wizard, Power Bottom is known to be married and 100% faithful. I mean he's married to Lenny whose powers include "able to look like your most potent and beautiful sexual fantasy" ... why would PB bother harrassing some other guy? ... so whoever it was you were trying ... not PB. Like I keep saying "if you must get involved with magic users don't go cheaply". 

 

as far as I can see you and your Third One True Love (who was your second? I completely missed her) are currently in the star-crossed lovers phase. Don't be lazy and try to short cut this...you will need to put some bloody work in and figure a way out to be together.

 

Congratulations you are a story-book cliche

 

Get your hair cut you look like some kind of lazy dropout by the way (free advice)

 

hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

 

Aunty Pink

 

PS My editor says "an actual sale???! I'll put his prices up immediately!" Bless him I think that's his affectionate way of saying he's happy for you