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#1 PostmodernPugilist

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Posted 17 July 2014 - 11:56 PM

Aunty Pink's problem column for the lost and confused. From the Humphreydale Gazette

 

She's a small time thief and a big time fighter. She's saved the world, died and come back to life. She's a fighter, hater, "Security Specialist", car mechanic and agony aunt, who's seen it all, done it all... Who better to help YOU with YOUR personal life problems. 

 

SO! If you've got a stain that won't go, or a boy who won't return your calls, just post your problems here and Aunty Pink will do her best to take you seriously. We PROMISE to answer ALL your problems, no matter how trivial. 

 

Hope this helps! 

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

 

 

(Out of Character: This is not a game advice column. This is a spot of role playing. Ask questions in character and Aunty Pink will answer in character). 


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#2 Doc Baroque

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Posted 18 July 2014 - 12:17 AM

Dear Aunty Pink,

 

So, as a numpty, where should I stick my stat points?

 

Also been having problems with my addendum attachment. I definitely remember it being much larger, but I seem to have had to shrink it down & it's now tiny & I need a magnifying glass to see it properly (been told that plenty of times)

 

What should I do?

 

Yours,

 

Troubled.


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#3 PostmodernPugilist

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Posted 18 July 2014 - 12:37 AM

Dear Aunty Pink,
 
So, as a numpty, where should I stick my stat points?
 
Also been having problems with my addendum attachment. I definitely remember it being much larger, but I seem to have had to shrink it down & it's now tiny & I need a magnifying glass to see it properly (been told that plenty of times)
 
What should I do?
 
Yours,
 
Troubled.



Dear Troubled

Thanks for asking!

Stat points? Like engine oil additives? Check your labels carefully stat points can help your car run smoothly but most reputable oils come with them already added. Generally speaking I recommend a multi-viscosity oil as it is suitable for both hot and cold starts. Speed is of course important in cars as is strength and if you're looking for a new car consider those side-impact bars they can be a real lifesaver.

I suspect your addendum attachment has just got worn out - this can happen if you're too rough with it - and I would recommend replacing it. It's gonna cost ya but you do not want to be carrying out an emergency stop with a too small addendum believe me.

Hope this helps!

Whatever

Aunty Pink

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#4 PowerBottom

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Posted 18 July 2014 - 09:21 AM

Dear Auntie Pink:

Hello as a new citizen of Humphreydale I would like to help out others in the community as much as possible,

To do so I would like to offer Doc Baroque my services.  I will am willing to assist him in exercises designed to increase the size of his addendum. However, many repetitions may be required.

It might be a pain in the backside but it would be a small price to pay, to help a fellow hero in need.


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#5 PostmodernPugilist

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Posted 18 July 2014 - 12:04 PM

Dear Auntie Pink:

Hello as a new citizen of Humphreydale I would like to help out others in the community as much as possible,

To do so I would like to offer Doc Baroque my services.  I will am willing to assist him in exercises designed to increase the size of his addendum. However, many repetitions may be required.

It might be a pain in the backside but it would be a small price to pay, to help a fellow hero in need.

Dear "Power Bottom"

 

Thank you for "advertising" your "services" in my column. I am sure that Doc Baroque, Victorian Gentleman Adventurer will be happy to see your offer and it is - I suppose - good of you to take one for the team. As it were.

 

Normally I see services like yours advertised in discreet cards in the corners of shop windows , (and Craigslist of course), so thank you for coming to the Humphreydale Gazette.

 

My editor advises me that we charge per column inch and we will be billing you accordingly.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink


Pinken Stein: The Postmodern Pugilist, Ex-Moderator

 

Proud leader of Turbulence (till I can find some other mug to take the job off my hands)

Ask Aunty Pink: Hero Zero's PREMIER Agony Advice Column. http://forum.us.hero...pink/#entry3602

 

In Memoriam: Russ Smith, Gone but never forgotten 


#6 AngelicaSynn

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Posted 18 July 2014 - 06:08 PM

Dear Aunty Pink

 

Some of my friends have had their lunch money stolen by neighborhood bullies. I have been taking Karate lessons and now have a green belt. My friends really need my help, but Mom says "Fighting isn't lady-like...".  What should I do?

 

Three bricks, one blow.


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My new character....
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#7 PrivateAvenger

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Posted 18 July 2014 - 07:34 PM

Dear Aunty Pink

 

Uh.. Where am I? How did I get here? 

 

Last thing I remember there was this wall of nothingness destroying the universe. We stoled Cap's Spaceship to fight it then lights out.

 

 



#8 Pirate

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Posted 18 July 2014 - 07:56 PM

CAN they put an orange  highlight on 

 

OFF TOPIC

 

 

posts?


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#9 Zombie Control

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Posted 18 July 2014 - 09:21 PM

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm LOVING the fact that the lights are back on at the CDC building... And plenty of folks are wandering the halls again... BUT, it's fairly difficult to keep the staff motivated, and pump up morale, when people feel like they aren't allowed a fricking VOICE.

 

I completely understand that we have to make a few concessions, considering the fact that we've pretty much become a flood of refugees, camping out in someone else's back yard... But, JEEZE... We gotta start SOMEWHERE.

 

Not exactly feeling the whole "Welcome to our city!" vibe.... More like... "PAPERS, PLEASE!"... While they search your trunk...

 

Anyway... My question is THIS:

 

Can we see your boobs...?

 

-ZC


gas-mask-100x60_zpsac6976c6.jpg

 

Small enough for ya...? Or is "Use of sarcasm" a ban-able offense too...?

Dinks...


#10 PostmodernPugilist

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Posted 18 July 2014 - 11:10 PM

Dear Aunty Pink

Some of my friends have had their lunch money stolen by neighborhood bullies. I have been taking Karate lessons and now have a green belt. My friends really need my help, but Mom says "Fighting isn't lady-like...". What should I do?

Three bricks, one blow.

Dear Angelica Synn

thanks for asking!

Well this is surely a stumper... I mean you call yourself a "hero" right? or "heroine" whatever.

Sooooo..... do we help the friends being picked on by the neighbourhood bullies or listen to your Mom and keep your manicure clean?


"Ladylike" is such a modernist construct with absolutely no meaning beyond the one you assign it... or in this case your Mom who appears to think being ladylike means being a cowardly wimp who walks out on their friends.

That being said if your friends can't stand up for themselves and get a few karate lessons then screw them. Honestly I have no patience with people who don't help themselves. Probably too busy running around being "ladylike" and talking about perms.

Walk away from this sad bunch of losers and get a proper friend who'll have your back when you get in a fight.

Hope this helps

Whatever,

Aunty Pink

Dear Aunty Pink

Uh.. Where am I? How did I get here?

Last thing I remember there was this wall of nothingness destroying the universe. We stoled Cap's Spaceship to fight it then lights out.



Dear Private Avenger

Thanks for asking !

It's good to see you... thank goodness you're ok.... where are you staying? And why are you wearing a shower curtain and ... what is that? a dress? and flip flops? ....

Dear oh dear...

OK you look kind of cute like that I'll let you be my sidekick again.

Anyway, Cap's spaceship got blown up I think, something like that. We were firing at the wall of nothing then boom! When I woke up I was in someone's front garden, they didn't seem to like that much... so I hit him... whatever... he dropped some money which was handy.

This seems to be some weird parallel universe. Imagine a place where a load of supers are running around behaving like amateurs. No super-powered cars or anything, and thankfully no more SSSSStarbucks with their dodgy biscotti, and the mayor isn't Jeffy Knight, which might mean the council is less corrupt.

On the downside, no Captain Avenger yet. I'm sorry. I'll miss the big guy. His credit card is still working though so I'm hoping that means he's somewhere... and you know, no body.

A few of us seem to have made it through. ... and some of us are kind of... the same... but different... Acidburn is calling herself Angelica Synn (I KNOW RIGHT????? Believe me I've been keeping a close eye on someone who calls herself THAT... but so far no attempted mass-murder or horse-killing)

Do you need somewhere to stay?

Hope this helps.

Whatever

Aunty Pink

PS I'm pretty sure there's some kind of organised crime going on in the city. Illegal yoyo trading. I'm gonna go check it out. you stay here, keep the suburbs safe

CAN they put an orange highlight on


OFF TOPIC



posts?



Dear Pirate

arr! thanks for asking
Free Will is neither a whale nor an illusion nor an construct of thy modernism. Rather it be... it be? IT IS! Screw this talking like a pirate I'm talking like myself.

Free Will is an important facet of humanity. Without it we are all mindless automatons which is of course what The Man wants but he won't be getting it on my watch. Humans can do what they want. Online they can do anything they want and most make films of it more's the pity. Do not google "Free Will" and "Rule 34" at the same time that is all I am saying. Humans have been doing as they wish, within their abilities since the dawn of time. Starting with refusing to worship some jumped up super powered beings calling themselves "gods" and ever since. If someone does not do something within their abilities it must be because they do not wish to. Rules would not exist were we to decide not to follow them. (I have been choosing not to follow the rules for a long time and I have your wallet and credit cards to prove it).

Back to the question. I am not of course familiar with the mechanics of this forum as I can't be bothered hacking it, my time is better spent beating up goons. However it can't be that hard... So we must conclude that though they could highlight OFF TOPIC posts in orange they are choosing not to. There's that pesky Free will...


personally I am no Orange Man, nor woman, but if you live outside of Europe you may not understand why that mattereth,


hope this helps

Whatever,

Aunty Pink

Right... So, I have a question...

How is discussing character development, and interacting with other players, considered "Off Topic"...?

Just because blah blah blah...


Anyway... My question is THIS:

Can we see your boobs...?

-ZC




Dear ZC

"thanks for asking"

I have no idea... my old newspaper column was a popular and well-loved piece of the whole of the forum of one of the most succesful games owned by a multi-national company... had it been shoved off to off-topic (with I may note NOT A SINGLE WORD OF EXPLANATION either by PM or in the thread) it would have never been seen ... off-topic is where moderators send threads to die. As you well know, ZC being as you and I moderated together (I got you that big break, don't ever forget it)... anyway this is wandering dangerously out of character and off the topic.
Which is ironic in an off-topic thread.

No you can't see my boobs.

I was gonna say "if you ask again I'll Triple-Tap your weakest team member" but it occurred to me that you'd ask again just to make sure I did

Then I remembered I'd hit him again anyway on principle.

Carry on

hope this helps

Whatever

Aunty Pink
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Proud leader of Turbulence (till I can find some other mug to take the job off my hands)

Ask Aunty Pink: Hero Zero's PREMIER Agony Advice Column. http://forum.us.hero...pink/#entry3602

 

In Memoriam: Russ Smith, Gone but never forgotten 


#11 AngelicaSynn

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Posted 21 July 2014 - 10:32 PM

Dear Aunty Pink

 

Just wanted to let you know that everything turned out OK.   Those bullies tried to take MY lunch money... when they get the casts off, they've promised not to try that again... Mom nearly had a seizure when the cops told her what happened, but she also gave my sensei a batch of brownies for the good training she had given me.

 

Thanks again... AS


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#12 Burning daylight

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Posted 05 August 2014 - 12:03 PM

Angelica, 

 

may i recommend carrying a bar of soap or two in a sock in your purse?  that way you can devastate the punks in your neighborhood and still be discrete about it?

 

 

b


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#13 PostmodernPugilist

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Posted 21 December 2014 - 07:01 PM

Angelica, 

 

may i recommend carrying a bar of soap or two in a sock in your purse?  that way you can devastate the punks in your neighborhood and still be discrete about it?

 

 

b

Dear b

 

Thanks for helping!

 

I love the soap idea, plausible deniability is always handy. 

 

personally I'm into punching first and asking questions later... like "why is this in off-topic" always a question worth asking after "which one is your toon"  and "what team are you in again"

 

 

But of course the best questions to ask are the ones you need to ask Aunty Pink over the holiday period: "When are we going to see a Grinch?" "How do I make a sled with 10 runners and no wood" and the ever-popular "How do I clean gravy out of my superhero suit?"

 

Ask away!!! 

 

Aunty Pink


Pinken Stein: The Postmodern Pugilist, Ex-Moderator

 

Proud leader of Turbulence (till I can find some other mug to take the job off my hands)

Ask Aunty Pink: Hero Zero's PREMIER Agony Advice Column. http://forum.us.hero...pink/#entry3602

 

In Memoriam: Russ Smith, Gone but never forgotten 


#14 RAIVEN

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Posted 21 December 2014 - 07:52 PM

Dear Aunty Pink, it sure would be helpful to have someone who speaks English as a moderator on the US forums! 

http://forum.us.herozerogame.com/index.php?/topic/1158-new-applications-are-open/



#15 Dogmeat

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Posted 21 December 2014 - 08:23 PM

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

I am in love with my pet sidekick. I don't know what to do. It's a little pussy um cat. Just love the way its monocle reflects the light.

 

We take long walks along the beach promenade, passing CEOs on their Seqways, cooks spilling food and old farts fighting game illustrators over beach chairs. I enjoy removing all of my gear and just fighting with only my sidekick. I admit I have no shame and losing honour is a small price to pay.

 

But you see, loving my pet sidekick isn't the problem. It's my previous sidekick, Frosty the Blue Snowman. I think he's jealous. He's been throwing his snow um balls at me behind my back! Even found wads of kleenex, wet spots and a half-eaten carrot in my bed...he's been crying between my sheets. And the ice cubes in the fridge now started to taste funny.

 

I could not explain to him that Yoyo Island is tropical volcanic island. He just cannot come um along. Tried to explain that things were mostly platonic, just mutual belly rubbing, nothing more. And that as soon as my pussy sidekick reached level 30, I was only going to hook up with another sidekick, one that I bought on-line.

What's a hero to do?

 

Your faithful servant as always,

 

Dogmeat


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#16 PostmodernPugilist

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Posted 29 December 2014 - 11:48 AM

Dear Auntie Pink,

I am in love with my pet sidekick. I don't know what to do. It's a little pussy um cat. Just love the way its monocle reflects the light.

We take long walks along the beach promenade, passing CEOs on their Seqways, cooks spilling food and old farts fighting game illustrators over beach chairs. I enjoy removing all of my gear and just fighting with only my sidekick. I admit I have no shame and losing honour is a small price to pay.

But you see, loving my pet sidekick isn't the problem. It's my previous sidekick, Frosty the Blue Snowman. I think he's jealous. He's been throwing his snow um balls at me behind my back! Even found wads of kleenex, wet spots and a half-eaten carrot in my bed...he's been crying between my sheets. And the ice cubes in the fridge now started to taste funny.

I could not explain to him that Yoyo Island is tropical volcanic island. He just cannot come um along. Tried to explain that things were mostly platonic, just mutual belly rubbing, nothing more. And that as soon as my pussy sidekick reached level 30, I was only going to hook up with another sidekick, one that I bought on-line.

What's a hero to do?

Your faithful servant as always,

Dogmeat


Dear Dogmeat

Thanks for asking!!

All this misery and unhappiness and ridiculously unsuitable love, not to say miscegenation puts me in mind of some other story I was reading... what was it called? Midnight? ... no... Fortnight?... no... Floodlight? It'll come to me.

Anyway, vampires don't sparkle, never date a predator and if someone's whining because you've dumped them block them on facebook and don't return their calls.

Hope this helps

Whatever

Aunty Pink

PS. I've remembered the book. And yours is definitely the better love story.

Dear Aunty Pink, it sure would be helpful to have someone who speaks English as a moderator on the US forums!

http://forum.us.herozerogame.com/index.php?/topic/1158-new-applications-are-open/


Dear Raiven

Thanks for asking!

I went and applied!


Hope this helps

Whatever

Aunty Pink


Dear Ritish

I believe you wrote to me.

Sadly your post has been taken down.

Don't be such a naughty boy ever again or Santa won't be filling your stockings next year either ;-)

Whatever

Aunty Pink

Pinken Stein: The Postmodern Pugilist, Ex-Moderator

 

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Ask Aunty Pink: Hero Zero's PREMIER Agony Advice Column. http://forum.us.hero...pink/#entry3602

 

In Memoriam: Russ Smith, Gone but never forgotten 


#17 PostmodernPugilist

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 11:45 PM

Aunty Pink may have been elevated to the dizzy heights of moderator-hood but she is still available to "advise" on the smaller things in life... how to get a spray tan when you're naturally green and scaly, how to fix a malfunctioning gasket and when to tip your waiter... just don't ask any proper game questions here cos you won't get a sensible answer.

 

This is ROLE PLAY (ie I'm pretending to be my in-game character)  in the Off-Topic section,

 

"real" questions should go in this place http://forum.us.hero...tions-problems/


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Pinken Stein: The Postmodern Pugilist, Ex-Moderator

 

Proud leader of Turbulence (till I can find some other mug to take the job off my hands)

Ask Aunty Pink: Hero Zero's PREMIER Agony Advice Column. http://forum.us.hero...pink/#entry3602

 

In Memoriam: Russ Smith, Gone but never forgotten 


#18 stevetheone

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Posted 17 January 2015 - 03:45 PM

Dear Aunty Pink.

 

Has reality shifted or have I got lost? I swear I remember towering.... errrr towers of something (not sure but certain they had 6 dimensions), mighty engines of destruction with evil aliens. Now I'm getting splattered by young children (when did they become tough?) and spend a lot of time in a garage staring at things (not even able to use my pseudo-amilchanker or get it to detach without fainting). Should I take medication? Will the kids stop pointing & laughing? Will the universe ever make sense again!

 

Yours

 

A Refugee from the alternative 8th D continuum.  



#19 Jagan

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Posted 18 January 2015 - 01:35 AM

Dear Aunty Pink, I already know how to count pretty well. I don't need to prove it in a forum. 


“What would your good be doing if there were no evil, and what would the earth look like if shadows disappeared from it? After all, shadows are cast by objects and people. There is the shadow of my sword. But there are also shadows of trees and living creatures. Would you like to denude the earth of all the trees and all the living beings in order to satisfy your fantasy of rejoicing in the naked light?”

― Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita

#20 PostmodernPugilist

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Posted 19 January 2015 - 10:27 PM

Dear Aunty Pink, I already know how to count pretty well. I don't need to prove it in a forum. 

 

Dear Jagan

 

thanks for ... well you didn't really "ask" did you? More make a statement. 

Oh well, you get a reply anyway.

 

Of course you can dear, the countdown only starts at 50... I'm sure even you can manage that! Course you can! Although technically it's "counting down" not "counting"... 

 

Anyway, as you know to avoid bombs in case they blow up in your face and you can count up to (or down from) 50 perhaps you should start something more challenging?

 

Central Granbury's Book Emporium offers some bargain discounts on remaindered books. I suggest the Triple Pack of "Zombie Control's Pest elimination" "Finding Love After Death" by Your Zombie Ex-Girlfriend and the ever popular (although apparently not) "Loving Your Pet Without Getting Arrested" by Dogmeat. 

 

Can't think why those aren't more popular... 

 

Alternatively you could always start a creative writing course...oh you already did. Carry on.

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink


Pinken Stein: The Postmodern Pugilist, Ex-Moderator

 

Proud leader of Turbulence (till I can find some other mug to take the job off my hands)

Ask Aunty Pink: Hero Zero's PREMIER Agony Advice Column. http://forum.us.hero...pink/#entry3602

 

In Memoriam: Russ Smith, Gone but never forgotten 





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