Dear Auntie Pink,
After reading your advice, I think I finally found someone worthy of my true love! Like me, she is a ninja! She's an ebony haired vixen with skin as dark as my soul! Never before have I seen such a beauty! And her eyes! Oh, her eyes! They glow with the intensity of two nuclear explosions as seen from space.................Her only flaw is she hates turtles............. Who could hate turtles? And she thinks I'm funny. Not the PowerBottom kind of funny. The kind that has me daydreaming of us laughing uncontrollable, maniacal laughter. Like when I was in grade school and kidnapped all the pokemon from those crying children, only to ransom them back for extra soups during lunch. Oh what a glorious day of villainy that was!
But there's only one problem...... OK, maybe two.
The first is I don't know if she even knows I exist (I know I already said she thinks I'm funny, but that might just be a figment of my overly active imagination.) or even if she'd have me. She's a hero after all, and I'm a villain...............
The second problem is, even if she did know of me and was earnest in returning my affections, we are separated by the very fabric of time and space that divides one dimension from another. The only recourse I see to changing this is employing a wizard....... and we all know what treacherous ground one walks when dealing with a wizard. The last time I tried to span dimensions and a wizard was involved, all he kept saying was "You shall not pass!" over and over............. It was sooooo annoying that I finally just killed him, only to discover he had returned later, even more powerful than before, like Obi Wan! But with a longer beard and an even worse style of dress. At least..... I think that was a dress. He kept claiming it was a robe, but I don't know........ I have my suspicions. You know how...... funny...... wizards can be. Like that Potter lad, who kept denying that cute Hermione girl his affections whilst giving all his spare time to that boy Ron. What a twist of fate that he would lose them both to each other.
The only sorcerer I might trust would be PowerBottom, but he keeps tapping me on the tush and well,..... truth be told, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. When I told him I would stab him with my sword if he touched me like that again, he said, "Don't tease me. I like it rough." before winking and blowing me a kiss. He made my threats feel impotent and emasculated. Also, he keeps trying to get me to wear some kind of hat.
So how, Auntie Pink, shall I ever be united with my one true love........ Well,........ Ok,...... My 3rd one true love............ not including kookey comedic drama and old musicals...........I guess that would make her my 5th one true love........ For even the gods plot against me to separate us, one from the other, with the very fabric of time and space! How can I defeat the Fates without rendering myself impotent and weak as a new born child, forced to start over, naked as a jaybird in a world younger than my own, yet foreign and alien to me like no other? Why, Auntie Pink? WHY MUST THE FATES BE SO CRUEL? WHYYYYYYYYYY???? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
Your's Truly,
Victim of Fate, and Ridiculously Long and Horrendously Bad Dialog
P.S. Sales on my line of athletic wear have doubled since my last entry. I can't thank you enough! I wasn't sure I'd ever sell that second pair of shoes.