175 replies to this topic

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear aunt pink,

I would like to ask your advice on something buy I can no longer tell if you have an advice column. What should I do?

Signed one confused lizard

 

 

Dear Lizard

 

thanks for asking!!

 

Yes I am still running this advice column 

 

please feel free to ask my advice, you know how much I like helping you all out (so long as the cheques keep coming)

 

hope this helps

 

Whatever!

 

Aunty Pink

[leapinglizard]

Dear aunty pink

I am trying to figure out what up is. I was asked the other day what's up and since then others have been asking the same thing. Everytime I meet someone they ask me what's up? So I am on a crusade to discover what is up?

Signed

Going to find out sometime

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear aunty pink

I am trying to figure out what up is. I was asked the other day what's up and since then others have been asking the same thing. Everytime I meet someone they ask me what's up? So I am on a crusade to discover what is up?

Signed

Going to find out sometime

 

 

Dear lizard-features

 

thanks for asking! 

 

Well you do have a conundrum on your hands don't you? Or should I say feet? 

 

Anyway, the answer is simple. UP and DOWN are simply directions, like north and south or east and west.  it's quite easy to keep them straight, below you is DOWN (admittedly there's not a lot below you but bear with me), and anything above you is UP.

 

So if someone is asking you "what's up?" they're trying to get their own head (or heads) around these directions. Probably they're lost. Help them out by indicating some of the things in the "up" direction such as the sun (if it's visible), or the rainclouds or the tops of trees and buildings.

 

I must warn you that it might be some kind of dig at you being close to the ground so it's probably worth asking them if they're trying to be funny then smacking them one with that tail of yours if you don't like the answer.

 

Or it could be some sly dig to the fact that you leap (UP) ... maybe they think you'll go "Me" and leap in the air for them.... honestly people are jerks. 

 

hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink 

[AngelicaSynn]

As a moderator, perhaps I was a bit harsh in my last remark to the good Doctor... He obviously does not know any better than to act on the prejudices he acquired in his upbringing...

 

While constructive input would be preferred, he need not actually remain silent.

 

I hereby proffer the hand of friendship to the good Doctor, as I am certain he means well... 

[PostmodernPugilist]

As a moderator, perhaps I was a bit harsh in my last remark to the good Doctor... He obviously does not know any better than to act on the prejudices he acquired in his upbringing...

 

While constructive input would be preferred, he need not actually remain silent.

 

I hereby proffer the hand of friendship to the good Doctor, as I am certain he means well... 

 

Dear Angelica

 

Thanks for writing!

 

I also appreciate the good Doctor, although perhaps that's the blood going to my head. If anyone has any ideas how I can remove myself from this chandalier  ... chandeleir... chand... light fitment thingy I'd be glad to hear them.

 

we must be more sympathetic to our time travelling colleague. After all none of us have organised a May ball. Or "handled" Lady Alice (perhaps a good thing, that.)

 

In other words, Dr Jim, come advise us.

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

 

PS. Your pay is cut. Biscuits only from now on. And I am your senior officer here at the Humphreydale Gazette and don't you forget it. 

[King of Thieves]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

My son has recently become a Whovian. Some might ask what a Whovian is, but the proper question should be WHO is a Whovian. 

 

Anyhow, to my question.

 

In the show my son has now become a fan of, there's these little aliens in really confining exoskeletons that look like trash cans. Their purpose seems to be to exterminate the human race, since they are constantly chasing humans yelling out "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" as they do, while the humans all run like mad to get away. 

 

I really don't understand why the humans aren't able to just whack them with a bat or something. I know a lot of places have gun control and so the people can't defend themselves as easily as we can here in Texas. I don't think these Daleks would last long where I live. But WHO knows?

 

Now I know to terminate means to end something. So to terminate a life would mean to kill it. I know the Daleks are trying to terminate all human life. I also know that the prefix "ex" means previously or no longer. 

 

So couldn't the Daleks be confused into thinking to exterminate is to no longer terminate or undo termination? Perhaps one could even use this reasoning to get the Daleks to bring all the humans they've killed back to life?

 

Thanks for your insight,

 

The Loophole Seeker

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

My son has recently become a Whovian. Some might ask what a Whovian is, but the proper question should be WHO is a Whovian. 

 

Anyhow, to my question.

 

In the show my son has now become a fan of, there's these little aliens in really confining exoskeletons that look like trash cans. Their purpose seems to be to exterminate the human race, since they are constantly chasing humans yelling out "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" as they do, while the humans all run like mad to get away. 

 

I really don't understand why the humans aren't able to just whack them with a bat or something. I know a lot of places have gun control and so the people can't defend themselves as easily as we can here in Texas. I don't think these Daleks would last long where I live. But WHO knows?

 

Now I know to terminate means to end something. So to terminate a life would mean to kill it. I know the Daleks are trying to terminate all human life. I also know that the prefix "ex" means previously or no longer. 

 

So couldn't the Daleks be confused into thinking to exterminate is to no longer terminate or undo termination? Perhaps one could even use this reasoning to get the Daleks to bring all the humans they've killed back to life?

 

Thanks for your insight,

 

The Loophole Seeker

 

 

Dear Loophole Seeker

 

Thanks for asking!!

 

I'm inclined to think that you are wanting to pick a fight with some of the most truly terrifying creatures in the universe, viz, the Whovians. I mean, seriously, their facebook group? You have to show a knife and spit bile to be allowed to join. (For real, the admins skype you to check). 

 

I mean.., they have spreadsheets. They obsess over continuity. They remember everything... EVERYTHING... about every episode ever.

 

Frankly other than dissing the daleks the only way you could annoy them more is to say that you like Clara. 

 

I digress.

 

50 odd years of Dr Who history indicates that human guns technology has never caught up with Daleks. The bullets ping off and then the dalek vaporises them painfully... they kill more NPCs than Joss Whedon... I suspect that all their going around killing people really messes with your "Daleks are just misunderstood" theory. ... speaking of which have you tried this theory out on the rodent control guy who comes round your area? just wondering... 

 

The most effective weapon I've ever seen a human use on a dalek was a paintball gun which rendered the dalek blind long enough to fall victim to a swarm attack. But they'd developed something to counter that last time I saw them. Paint just steamed right off.

 

TLDR: Daleks win in the arms race. So your theory sucks. as does your idea that you can talk them out of murdering murder sprees. you'd have more luck convincing Zombie Control to stay sober. 

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink 

[PostmodernPugilist]

an out of character PS

That reminds me of the joke

What's the difference between a Tory and a Dalek?

 

one's a rampaging creature of evil bent on destroying everything before him and the other's a dalek

[King of Thieves]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

Well, I think my odds are fairly good then, seeing as how I did get ZC to remain sober once. Well, ok, it was the police, and it was while they had him locked up in jail, but he was sober for 3 whole days! But seeing as how I'm the King of Thieves, I'll steal the credit for it.

 

Also, in unrelated news, apparently dressing up in a Batman mask and cape and a pair of boxers while running around the city yelling, "Come at me, Superman!" is frowned upon by local law enforcement. Please send bail. And please, make it snappy. The big guy sharing a cell with me keeps winking and smiling at me. I want my mommy...........

 

Sincerely,

 

Scared in a Cage.

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

Well, I think my odds are fairly good then, seeing as how I did get ZC to remain sober once. Well, ok, it was the police, and it was while they had him locked up in jail, but he was sober for 3 whole days! But seeing as how I'm the King of Thieves, I'll steal the credit for it.

 

Also, in unrelated news, apparently dressing up in a Batman mask and cape and a pair of boxers while running around the city yelling, "Come at me, Superman!" is frowned upon by local law enforcement. Please send bail. And please, make it snappy. The big guy sharing a cell with me keeps winking and smiling at me. I want my mommy...........

 

Sincerely,

 

Scared in a Cage.

 

 

Dear King of Thieves

 

thanks for asking!

 

Aunty Pink does not post bail - I learned that the hard way after Zombie Control asked me for what he called "a one-off favour".  Besides you criminal types are utterly untrustworthy. That's why I work in home security after all. 

 

Didn't you used to be a shapeshifter? Just shift your shape enough to scare your cell mate off and mess with all the eyewitnesses, then sue for wrongful arrest.

 

Honestly do I have to think of everything? 

 

 

Hope this helps!

 

Whatever

 

Aunty Pink

[King of Thieves]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

I'm truly offended that you would think we criminal types are utterly untrustworthy. This isn't the case at all. I will gladly tell you what my intentions are at any given point and then go about doing it. How can you say I'm untrustworthy when you know I will attempt to rob you after saying so? Even the judge told me I was the most honest person to ever appear before him. That's why my last lawyer had to cost $12k just for a fight. Luckily I got the money from Jagan's wallet during our interview together, so there was no out of pocket cost........ for me. I even was kind enough to mail the empty wallet back to her at the address she gave me. Granted, she didn't give me an address, so I got to keep it by default. But still, it did get sent to the address she gave me. 

 

As far as my shapeshifting abilities go, unfortunately they don't seem to work as well on this world as they did on our last one. All the forms are human and the only thing it seems is worth shapeshifting are my threads. Unfortunately this leaves me sorely hungry for donuts.

 

Also since that time you stabbed me in the back with a katana, my shapeshifting powers kind of fade in and out at the most inopportune times. Why, just last week I was hitting on this lady mail person and accidentally turned into a dog. Not the kind that goes bow wow either. More like the typical male kind. She was hot. Certain shapes started to shift, if you know what I mean. All would have been fine except I happened to be with another lady friend who took notice. Now, neither one wants to talk with me.

 

But at least I was honest!

 

Sincerely, 

 

Shifty

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

I'm truly offended that you would think we criminal types are utterly untrustworthy. This isn't the case at all. I will gladly tell you what my intentions are at any given point and then go about doing it. How can you say I'm untrustworthy when you know I will attempt to rob you after saying so? Even the judge told me I was the most honest person to ever appear before him. That's why my last lawyer had to cost $12k just for a fight. Luckily I got the money from Jagan's wallet during our interview together, so there was no out of pocket cost........ for me. I even was kind enough to mail the empty wallet back to her at the address she gave me. Granted, she didn't give me an address, so I got to keep it by default. But still, it did get sent to the address she gave me. 

 

As far as my shapeshifting abilities go, unfortunately they don't seem to work as well on this world as they did on our last one. All the forms are human and the only thing it seems is worth shapeshifting are my threads. Unfortunately this leaves me sorely hungry for donuts.

 

Also since that time you stabbed me in the back with a katana, my shapeshifting powers kind of fade in and out at the most inopportune times. Why, just last week I was hitting on this lady mail person and accidentally turned into a dog. Not the kind that goes bow wow either. More like the typical male kind. She was hot. Certain shapes started to shift, if you know what I mean. All would have been fine except I happened to be with another lady friend who took notice. Now, neither one wants to talk with me.

 

But at least I was honest!

 

Sincerely, 

 

Shifty

 

 

Dear Shifty 

 

Thank you for your feedback.

 

We at the Humphreydale Gazette, and particularly Aunty Pink, take all our feedback seriously and are striving to continuously improve the advice we give to our readers - people like you! - who are, after all, the reason we exist.

 

Rest assured that we will give your feedback due consideration and that it will be taken into account in our strategic planning review

 

Please note, as you did not acutally ask a question Aunty Pink will not be answering in person. We do receive hundreds of letters every day and it would be impossible for Aunty Pink to answer them all. I'm sure you understand.

 

 

Kind regards

 

Aunty Pink's Office.

 

 

you're not STILL going on about that ONE TIME with the katana are you? 

- Pink

[King of Thieves]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

It really, really hurt..... like a lot....... and my heart was still attached to the blade when you finally pulled it out...... and then sold it on Ebay..... for like 25 cents........ where the Shadow Lord bought it and used it to make me his slave...... I hate you.........

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Heartless Bass Turd

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

It really, really hurt..... like a lot....... and my heart was still attached to the blade when you finally pulled it out...... and then sold it on Ebay..... for like 25 cents........ where the Shadow Lord bought it and used it to make me his slave...... I hate you.........

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Heartless Bass Turd

 

 

Dear Heartless Bass Turd 

 

Thank you for your feedback.

 

We at the Humphreydale Gazette, and particularly Aunty Pink, take all our feedback seriously and are striving to continuously improve the advice we give to our readers - people like you! - who are, after all, the reason we exist.

 

Rest assured that we will give your feedback due consideration and that it will be taken into account in our strategic planning review

 

Please note, as you did not acutally ask a question Aunty Pink will not be answering in person. We do receive hundreds of letters every day and it would be impossible for Aunty Pink to answer them all. I'm sure you understand. Also I'm an intern and I really don't give a shit typing this same damn form reply out over and over again and again. I'm so glad this is my last day, I asked for a placement with a design company or something in the fine arts? WTH. SMH. anyway. 

 

 

Kind regards

 

Aunty Pink's Office.

 

 

It's not MY fault no-one actually wanted to buy your heart! Just be grateful I didn't let Obsidian make pate like she kept asking. You really need to sort out this grudge-holding habit you know. It's not good for you in the long run.

I don't believe you hate me, look at you still hanging around me all the time. Gimme a break will you? 

- Pink

[King of Thieves]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

Today, I was visiting our labs where our evil Hydra scientists have been working on new biological weapons. In the wake of the FBY's efforts to create a Super Soldier known as Thulk, we have decided to make our own super soldiers. Until Thulk escaped containment, we had no idea the extent of their program or just how devastating it would be. Our own Super Soldiers pale in comparison. So far, we have only been able to create a Giant Dwarf and a 2 Eyed Cyclops, neither of which have been any more remarkable than a normal human soldier. Compared to what the FBY has unleashed, I think we may be in trouble, since our own efforts at creating a Super Soldier have been less than remarkable. If you have any advice we could use to help our efforts, it would be much appreciated.

 

Sincere Thanks For Your Time,

 

Rider of the Wingless Pegasus

[PostmodernPugilist]

Dear Auntie Pink,

 

Today, I was visiting our labs where our evil Hydra scientists have been working on new biological weapons. In the wake of the FBY's efforts to create a Super Soldier known as Thulk, we have decided to make our own super soldiers. Until Thulk escaped containment, we had no idea the extent of their program or just how devastating it would be. Our own Super Soldiers pale in comparison. So far, we have only been able to create a Giant Dwarf and a 2 Eyed Cyclops, neither of which have been any more remarkable than a normal human soldier. Compared to what the FBY has unleashed, I think we may be in trouble, since our own efforts at creating a Super Soldier have been less than remarkable. If you have any advice we could use to help our efforts, it would be much appreciated.

 

Sincere Thanks For Your Time,

 

Rider of the Wingless Pegasus

 

 

Dear Idiot

 

Thanks for asking!

 

DONT BLOODY DO IT

 

That's my advice to you.

 

But do you listen?

 

OHHHHH NOOOOO You HAD to go make a super soldier.

 *rolls eyes*

 

I don't know why I bother sometimes

 

Hope this helps

 

Whatever 

 

Aunty Pink